December 21, 2013

Where is Home?

The holiday has been coming! The mid-test is also waiting couple days after the new year. Wow, 2013 is almost over, what have I actually done for this year? Not much, I thought. But I always believe, we should appreciate every little accomplishment that we did. Every little one that might bring us to something big. Every little one that might be another dream and we are not grateful about it. I like to make simple therapy: when 'present me' thanks to 'past me' for doing the tough things and going through the hard days, I know that there is nothing useless. Experience and hard work never betray. It just needs right time to prove it :')

My lecturers said that we should enjoy this holiday to the fullest. Why? Because the load of assignments will be tighter and we need fresh energy to face the things. It feels like it's just the moment when I really understand about lesson that I used to learn: about the economy system and its influence to the country, or about the philosophy of the science (I love knowing the philosophy!). When papers attack, my therapy is also simple. If I used to write these, it would be easy for me to study in U.K. What an overrated dream :( but it works for me. Because what is impossible for Allah? Nothing, right? :)

I don't go home for this holiday. You know, when silence come like this -because everyone in my boarding house has come home- it makes me lose appetite and desire to do things. I just stare at my notebook, listen to the rain, and call my mom. I think I should be used to with this. Let me tell you, in the first grade of diploma three, I just came home twice. My first flight was mess, Adam Air got bankrupt, I lost my money, and I should change the flight. I felt guilty to my parents and I learned to choose the flight carefully. Because safety is also important, right? And in the second and third grade, I just came home once a year. Even in my third grade, I didn't celebrate Eid with my parents because the graduation day would be held a month after it, so I should make priority. What did I do during my holiday? I taught. I collected money by being private tutor. I stayed in my aunt's house. I walked alone to some place in Jakarta. But those experience really made me strong. Yes, I am. Then, I start to work and I can be financially independent, I can go home for three and four times a year. Besides, duty allows me to fly for free. Now, I think I just need to handle my feelings of being lonely and focus to priority. You really know what you want to take after this, right? :) Just be patient, icha. Man shabara zhafira. They who are patient, will be lucky.

For me, home does not always mean place. Home is an environment. I believe that everyone needs certain people to be his/her home. Certain people that can make us peaceful and being accepted. That's why home is where the heart belongs to. My family, my best friend, and him are my home. Blame me because I'm a queen of jealousy if it is related to them. It's not easy for me to find friends who accept me whatever I am, without only looking at my strength, but also my weakness. Sometimes it's tiring when I should be perfect and initiative, and it makes me really happy when I can meet him and I can say "I'm tired" or "I'm sad" and he treats me like a common girl. I am normal. I love that. I hate when people feel shy to let me involved or join something fun. I envy to them who have friends that really loyal and support each other. I miss having friends to play, to hang out, not only friends in purpose. Everyone has their own family and their own business. I love the concept of having allies. That's why when I have best friend, I will keep my trust in them. I'm afraid to lose them. And it makes me tend to be lonely somehow.

Don't blame me, okay? :)

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