December 22, 2014

Patahan #84

"Apa yang paling kau inginkan saat ini?"


"Aku hanya ingin dipeluk ibu"

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Selamat Hari Ibu. Aku memikirkanmu sepanjang waktu, berdamai dengan rindu.

December 20, 2014

Challenge

I think I don't need bungee jumping or tight competition to challenge myself. Life is just more challenging these days. The hardest is battling with ego to make everything balanced such as between achieving my own targets - yes, I really don't understand why a forgetful and shy person like me could be, and doing the housework with my own hands from cleaning, cooking, shopping, but staying look good. It is so challenging.

I learn a lot of things after getting married, it is love - that means giving the best that you can do, and making the priority of your loved ones. My skill of cooking and baking is improved. How nice that I can forgive the bad day by cooking good things. I prefer going to traditional markets to department stores. I love staying at home, making sure everything alright, browsing about new recipes, and forcing myself to stay focusing on my commitment: one day one review - which honestly it is so hard to do when I can't fight for willingness to allocate my rest time to read and write, or practice my English or writing which kind of messed up. I think being deadliner is never unlocked.

The best thing is, nowadays, I feel so productive in spending time. Holiday is not a nightmare anymore when I don't go home or when I just sleep all day and being antisocial in my room. Holiday is a moment when I can be a better woman for myself and for my husband by improving my skill of nurturing and multitasking. I can feel it truly in my heart then I feel so blessed. I am not sure I can experience this anymore next year when I go back to work.

Ego is the enemy of November people, and perfectionism is the sophisticated killer of happiness. Time flies and sometimes you have to come out from your comfort zone, and become rational of your targets. I realize that trying to make everything balanced is hard, but at least, knowing the priority and changing the habits will make you happier - it will bring you go to something worth it to fight for, not something that feels empty and lonely when you have reached it.

Happiness changes its pattern when you've been growing older.

:)

December 15, 2014

Kampung Kedua :D

Akhirnya bisa menginjakkan kaki di kampung halaman suami yakni Singkawang, Kalimantan Barat. Pas banget saya sedang libur beberapa hari pasca UTS, dan yeayyy ini pertama kalinya berkenalan dengan keluarga besar, nervous! Jadi, kemana saja saya selama 5 hari disana?

Penerbangan Jakarta-Pontianak membutuhkan waktu 1,5 jam, dilanjutkan dengan perjalanan darat Pontianak-Singkawang selama 4 jam. Seneeeng banget lihat masih banyak pohon-pohon dan bukit-bukit di sepanjang perjalanan, hahaha. Di pertengahan perjalanan, kami singgah di kampung Peniti, di kampung ini terkenal dengan makanan khasnya yaitu pengkang. Pengkang ini sejenis nasi ketan dicampur ebi yang dilapisi daun dibentuk segitiga lalu dijepit dan dibakar, rasanya seperti lemper. Biasanya pengkang dimakan dengan sambal kepah dan sate kerang. Rasanya enaaak, padahal sejujurnya saya nggak suka kepah dan kerang, tapi ternyata enaaaak.

Di Singkawang saya menyempatkan diri main ke sawah di belakang rumah. Bahagia bangeeet lihat hamparan hijau sawah hahaha dan bisa main di sekelilingnya. Berasa hiduuuuuup. Saya juga pergi ke Bukit Roban, tidak menyangka bisa naik sampai ke puncaknya walaupun beberapa langkah harus berhenti sebentar dan sandal jepitnya putus. PRESTASI BANGET bisa mencapai puncak. Di depan Bukit Roban ada klenteng. Di Singkawang memang banyak banget klenteng. Selain Bukit Roban, bukit yang terkenal lainnya adalah Bukit Jempol. Di bukit ini kita bisa menyentuh awan, tapi mendakinya butuh waktu 3 jam. Aaaak pingin, semoga kapan-kapan bisa kesana lagi.

Hamparan sawah hohoho

November 25, 2014

Reverse

Kali ini kau yang pergi.

Sisa lima puluh menit sebelum waktu keberangkatan, kau terlihat begitu terburu-buru menarik koper-kopermu hingga tak ingat untuk memelukku. Aku memanggilmu sebelum kau berlalu agar kau tersadar dan berbalik mendekapku. Dalam hitungan detik, punggung itu kembali menjauh dariku, bergabung dengan wajah-wajah kaku lainnya mengejar burung besi yang telah menepi.

Kali ini kau yang pergi.

Tujuh tahun merajut jarak, dimana pertemuan menjadi perhiasan, puluhan kali kau yang ditinggalkan, kini kau yang meninggalkan. Repetisi selamat tinggal tak pernah bisa mengajarkan lengkungan ringan di bibir dengan cemerlang. Lambaian tangan memanggil-manggil untuk bersentuhan dicuri waktu. Tak ada air mata yang biasa di pipimu. Demikian siapkah kau melepasku?

Bahwa yang tidak terlihat memaksa tak tahu, beban rindu itu menekan jantungmu yang kau bawa selama kau terbang, pagi dan petang hingga tak bersuara. Kau terlalu sayang padaku, hingga sakitmu itu kau pendam sendiri agar tidak merusak bahagiaku.

Ayah, berjanjilan untuk sehat selalu.

November 18, 2014

The Days After

Sudah hampir tiga minggu menjadi istri *ngik* Awalnya berasa awkward karena tiba-tiba status berubah dari pacar menjadi istri, huhu. Tapi ternyata nggak sesulit itu, karena kami sudah kenal cukup lama, it's like marrying my best friend. Seru dan menyenangkan :)

Kalau ditanya apa yang paling terasa setelah menikah? Tenang, tenang banget rasanya. Mungkin itu maksudnya menggenapkan separuh agama. Pikiran bebas dari galau yang tidak perlu, bisa ketemu setiap hari, dan saya sekarang selalu punya alasan untuk pulang. I've found my home. Because home for me is where you are.

It's not easy but it's not that hard. Dulu saya paling khawatir kehilangan cinta orang tua, ternyata tidak. Tidak ada yang berubah. Saya malah punya orang tua baru dan keluarga baru. Dulu saya khawatir kehilangan waktu belajar, ternyata tidak. Saya punya me-time yang lebih dari cukup, punya ruang belajar, dan pikiran yang lebih fokus karena kegundahan itu telah berlalu. Kalaupun kangen, malemnya juga ketemu lagi :)

I surprise myself these days. Seneeeng banget tiap hari bisa belajar masak sendiri sampai udah ga selera lagi beli di luar karena ternyata makanan sendiri lebih enak dan sehat XD *ngek* Saya percaya bahwa setiap hal itu bisa dilakukan kalau memang mau untuk melakukannya. Ga nyangka banget saya yang dulu ga pernah megang ikan mentah dan ga bisa bedain biji pala dan kemiri, sekarang bisa belanja ke pasar, bersihin ikan, cumi, udang, ayam pakai tangan sendiri dan mengolah bumbu. TERIMA KASIH PADA GOOGLE.

Bersyukur banget karena di D4 ini saya punya waktu yang fleksibel, terutama ngerasain jadi ibu rumah tangga *ngok* Lumayan juga banyak beraktivitas dan bersih-bersih sendiri bisa jadi pengganti olahraga, yay. Di titik ini saya sadar bahwa yang sudah mama saya lakukan selama ini sangat sangat sangat luar biasa. Ini pekerjaan seumur hidup.

Dulu saya juga takut bahwa menikah akan membuat saya kehilangan teman-teman. Ternyata tidak, tidak sama sekali. Tambahannya kini saya punya teman hidup, teman berbagi, imam yang membimbing, yang menguatkan, dan rekan untuk sama-sama menggapai mimpi.

Tidak ada yang lebih baik dari ini. Smoga Allah senantiasa melimpahkan keberkahan. Aamiiin.

November 7, 2014

A Quarter of A Century Old

I'm definitely twenty five, and this is my first birthday as being a wife.


Happy birthday to me. Don't be afraid of change. You may end up losing something good, but you'll probably end up gaining something so much better. Promise? :)

November 4, 2014

01.11.14

Segala puji bagi Allah. Akhirnya hari yang dinanti-nantikan sejak sekian lama itu tiba. Bersyukur banget karena ketakutan-ketakutan yang muncul telah dijawab oleh doa-doa, semua yang dipersiapkan berjalan lancar, dan keluarga serta teman-teman banyak yang ikut hadir untuk turut berbahagia dan bersedia kami repotkan. Terima kasih..... :)


Sehari sebelum hari H saya masih kuliah, LOL. Sorenya packing, malemnya cek gedung dan menginap di hotel, peluk-pelukan sama mama eh ga terasa sudah subuh. Bersiap-siap lalu berangkat ke gedung untuk make-up, sejak pagi jantung saya sudah berdegup hebat dan seluruh tubuh bergetar dahsyat. Ini seperti mimpi, tapi ini nyata.

Sebelum prosesi ijab kabul, saya disembunyikan di ruang rias. Orang tua dan penghulu datang untuk melaksanakan prosesi izin dari calon mempelai wanita. Saya tak bisa menahan tangis, melihat wajah abah dan mama, butir-butir air mata jatuh bulat-bulat, saya memeluk mereka berdua. Dalam hati, saya berjanji hubungan kami tidak akan ada yang berubah sampai kapanpun. Saya tetap anak kecil mereka.

Mendengar sayup-sayup suara ijab kabul membuat saya harap-harap cemas. Alhamdulillah, lancar dan setelah itu rasanya beban yang berat lepas dari pundak. Alhamdulillah, sah. Suasana saat itu hikmat dan sangat sendu. Tak henti-henti mengucap syukur.

October 21, 2014

Hitung Mundur

Kurang dari dua minggu, tidak menyangka bahwa waktu akan berlari secepat ini. Syukur yang tak terhingga karena hampir semuanya bisa kami rencanakan, pelajari, dan persiapkan berdua, mulai dari tabungan, lamaran, sampai printilan-printilan pernikahan yang... masya Allah berkat ridho-Nya bisa diselesaikan satu-satu tepat pada waktunya. Bersyukuuur banget punya orang tua yang kooperatif, yang siap dengan kejutan dan percaya penuh pada anak-anaknya, punya sahabat yang sangat penyayang, yang sangat sabar, yang bersedia saya repotkan, yang setia mendengar keluhan-keluhan saya, atau melihat mata saya bengkak karena perasaan yang campur aduk yang tidak bisa dijelaskan asal muasalnya.

Pahit dan manis, capek-capek seru, yang kalau diingat lagi bisa bikin saya semakin siap dan mengharu biru karena saya sungguh berterima kasih pada calon suami saya yang telah berjuang penuh dengan usaha dan kerja kerasnya sendiri untuk merealisasikan ini. Terima kasih, terima kasih telah berjuang, semoga Allah membalasnya dengan limpahan-limpahan kebaikan.

Alhamdulillah, nggak pakai berantem-beranteman, menyenangkan sekali punya pasangan dengan visi misi yang sama, dan bisa diajak bernegosiasi dengan baik. Pre-wedding syndrome sudah terlewati, yang sebenarnya bukan masalah besar, karena pada dasarnya kekhawatiran itu semua muncul dari saya sendiri yang cenderung suka membebani diri dari hal-hal yang sebenarnya tidak penting untuk dipikirkan.

Tugas kuliah sedang banyak-banyaknya, persiapan sudah selesai, dan kini saatnya masuk tahap berserah. Berkali-kali saya diajak deg-degan hebat sama jantung sendiri, yang saya yakin itu adalah ujian kepasrahan yang harus diperkuat dengan doa, doa, dan doa bahwa niat yang baik akan dilancarkan dengan keberkahan dan dijauhkan dari kesukaran.

Hitung mundur dimulai, yakni kurang dari dua minggu itu insya Allah akan menjadi keputusan dan perubahan paling besar yang pernah saya ambil dalam hidup saya. Bismillah :)

October 18, 2014

A Day Off

"I need a day-off"

"For what?"

"For crying out loud - alone - in my room. Because, trying to look fine and perfect everyday in front of people is tiring. But I have to be that way, always. I'm dying"

October 15, 2014

Patahan #83

"Seringkali... deru jantung, kekhawatiran, dan skenario yang diciptakan manusia itu sendiri dalam pikirannya adalah ujian kepasrahan"

Tidak ada seorang muslim yang berdo’a memohon kepada Allah, yang do’anya tidak mengandung unsur dosa dan pemutusan hubungan persaudaraan, kecuali Allah akan mengabulkan dengan tiga kemungkinan; memberikan apa yang dinginkan, disimpan (pahalanya) hingga di alam akhirat, atau diselamatkan dari bahaya yang mengancam. (HR. Bukhori).

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It will be fine. With Allah, it will be fine :)

October 11, 2014

Grown-up Love

Romance is no more about rose and poem.

Romance is responsibility and empathy. 

It turns when I sweep the floor and you have initiative cleaning the bathroom. We both are tired and sweating.

It is the sign that love has grown up. That feeling can't be resembled by anything. That feeling when you are just ready to live forever with him.

October 5, 2014

Filter

"November people always remember"

"What makes you that mad?"

"I'm sick of the stamp of the heart breaker in me. Are they all my mistakes when their hopes do not match the reality?"

"No, they are not. Let me tell you. Your mistake is not filtering what you feel and what you listen"

September 27, 2014

Between Luck and Miracle

Sometimes things just happen beyond expectation. When people stare at you, and you silently whisper to yourself, "is it true?" - you just hope it is not real, but it is. Sadly, you are awake. It is not a dream.

The law of achievement - 90% of hard work and 10% of luck. Luck is created by bless - untouchable hands come from prayers and the traces of good things that can't be explained rationally.

I am on that position. I feel so nothing, but miracle happens.

Rabb, is my gratitude enough? Rabb, Thank You. Please, give me strength. Because days are much harder after they were.

But, still, people's expectations are the hardest.

September 21, 2014

Sabtu Bersama Bapak

"Jadi suami."

"Kenapa takut, Mas?"

"Sebenarnya bukan takut, sih. Tapi berat."

"Apa yang bikin jadi suami itu berat?"

"Ketika seorang laki-laki dan perempuan menikah, laki-laki itu meminta banyak dari perempuan.
Saya pilih kamu.
Tolong pilih saya, untuk menghabiskan sisa hidup kamu. Dan saya akan menghabiskan sisa hidup saya bersama kamu. 
Percayakan hidup kamu pada saya. Dan saya penuhi tugas saya padamu, nafkah lahir dan batin.
Pindahkan baktimu. Tidak lagi baktimu kepada orangtuamu. Baktimu sekarang pada saya. 
Itu, tiga perkara yang pria minta dari perempuan. Banyak laki-laki yang saat menikah tidak tahu bahwa mereka meminta ini. Banyak juga laki-laki yang bahkan kemudian hari, mencederai tiga hal ini."

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Salah satu kutipan favorit saya dari buku Sabtu Bersama Bapak di halaman 220-221. Buku yang sangat bagus dan mengharukan dari Adhitya Mulya.


Pas dibaca di hari Sabtu, saat kangen dengan Abah, ataupun dibaca berkali-kali karena penuh pelajaran hidup: pelajaran tentang menjadi bapak, menjadi ibu, menjadi suami, menjadi istri, menjadi anak, menjadi keluarga :)

September 20, 2014

Nostalgia tentang Matematika

Tulisan kali ini terinspirasi dari postingan yang menyebar di media sosial dimana tiba-tiba orang-orang meributkan perkara 4×6=6×4, yap tentang Habibi dan tugas matematikanya dan nilai 20 yang diberikan gurunya. Dan, tulisan saya kali ini bukan dalam rangka ikut-ikutan menghakimi, tapi gatel pingin cerita... karena kasus ini seperti dejavu di masa lalu saya. Uhuk! :D

Memang benar, perkembangan zaman, kebebasan, dan keterbukaan informasi menjadikan tantangan mendidik anak baik sebagai guru dan orang tua semakin berat. Tidak hanya itu, bahkan di pekerjaan apapun. Isu-isu kecil bisa dengan mudah dihembuskan di media sosial dan menjadi bahan perbincangan banyak orang.

Ceritanya throwback di masa saya duduk di bangku kelas 2 SD, errr tahun 1996, sama seperti Habibi. Sepertinya pengalaman itu membekas sangat dalaaaam di memori jangka panjang. Saat itu kami sedang belajar perkalian dengan metode "loncat" di garis bilangan. Lalu kami diberi tugas sebanyak 5 soal, mulai dari 2×3, 3×4, dan seterusnya. Mirip konsepnya dengan soal yang diberikan guru kepada Habibi.

September 19, 2014

Long Semester

Believe it or not, it feels like the longest semester ever in STAN. I am so thankful, the final exam is over. And, the best thing is... to say goodbye to the weirdest subject in this semester. HAPPY. However, three days after exam, I still could not move on. I had to force myself to accomplish the rest of unsolved practice exam in one night. Thanks for being deadliner, O-blood type! And, I did it. HAPPIER. You really don't know how strong you are until you've EVER tried. I got headache because I didn't sleep. I tried to sleep but the problems haunted in my dream. I woke up and tried to finish it again. I slept on the morning, got terrible face, and gifted myself with the present: face acupressure! Been soooo long I didn't have massage or go to beauty shop. The big day's gonna come but I have not got any special treatment yet................................ :)))))))

Thousands and millions gratitude to Allah, because the list of preparation completed one by one. And, we did most of them by the only two of us. The tiredness hits every weekend. But it feels like an adventure. The real adventure. Laugh is everywhere though the saving is declining sharply, yes! I am so grateful that I have the best partner and team mate like him to deal with these. So, what's still not being checked from the list? Wedding picture! Aaaargh, so difficult to ask him to have cute picture only for one capture *cry* But, I've made a deal to do it on the beginning of October. Wish me luck XD

I get a week free before welcoming another new semester. I have abundant me time: reading old novel, watching Pride and Prejudice over and over for the sake of seeing Mr. Darcy, printing labels and sending invitation, enjoying my room before moving, googling with keyword "life after marriage", "how to be a wife in first days" *really, I have no idea* and packaging hundreds of souvenirs alone. LOL. Once in a life time, it's very happy to feel the excitement of preparation to the fullest.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God....and until today, sometimes I'm not sure it's real. It is not a dream. It's real. Thanks Allah, I'm blessed :)

August 22, 2014

My Friend was An Alien

She was Laura. She wrote everything that she listened in class.

I began to know her in the second week of our first semester in university. It was not I remembered, Laura noted it! She was one of only two girls existed (or maybe lost) in mechanical engineering class. She was quite different. She had long hair with cute bangs and tidy pony tail. She loved asking random questions that shocked everyone. She was too neat........ errr okay, beautiful for being a mechanic compared with another girl - her name was Max. Yet, we still didn't believe she was a girl because she was more manly than a man. That was why we called Laura as an alien. And guess, she was not mad at all. What an alien!

I was late that day for an hour, oops! The crazy lecturer was writing a crazy formula on white board without moving his head, it was chance! I entered the room peacefully... and that girl was sitting alone on the front seats again. ALONE. She had written carefully everything since the beginning of the class. I wondered if the lecturer sneezed, maybe she would write it too as a compliment. Because she wrote everything!

"Hey Laura, it's me Adam. It's our first time to chat, right? Sorry, may I borrow your note book?"

August 20, 2014

Mari Lakukan Sesuatu yang Menyenangkan

Judul di atas buat saya.

Apa itu menyenangkan? Kondisi apa yang disebut menyenangkan? Berdasarkan KBBI, menyenangkan adalah "membangkitkan rasa senang hati; memuaskan; menarik (hati)". Menyenangkan adalah rasa, oleh karena itu pada dasarnya bersifat relatif. Setiap orang punya kepentingan tertentu dan porsi selera berbeda yang bisa menciptakan perasaan damai dan membangkitkan hormon endorfin di kepalanya.

Definisi 'menyenangkan' yang saya rindukan adalah yang bisa memenuhi kebutuhan emosional saya. Secara ilmiah, ada tiga kebutuhan emosional dasar manusia: love, acceptance, and security. Teman saya pernah bilang bahwa saya punya kebutuhan emosional yang sangat besar, yang fluktuasinya bisa mengguncang mood dan fokus dalam sekejap. Too bad. Let me call it the perks of being an introvert. 

Saya rindu punya sahabat dekat, rindu mengajar (akhirnya saya bisa mengategorikan salah satu mata kuliah di kampus sebagai yang 'menyenangkan' dan ingin saya ajarkan), saya rindu membaca buku baru tanpa menunda, saya rindu menjadi berani, aktualisasi diri dan pencapaian, menjadi bermanfaat, saya rindu waktu yang berkualitas dengan orang-orang tersayang, obrolan ringan di sela-sela kesibukan, atau... singkatnya saya rindu diri saya yang bersemangat, dan tak sibuk merancang kronologi kejadian tentang kekhawatiran pada kata orang dan pada masa depan.

Jadi, sudah punya sesuatu yang 'menyenangkan' dilakukan untuk hari ini?

Mulai dengan bersyukur! :)

August 19, 2014

Kutipan Super

Sayang bangeeet nggak ikutan acara Super Mentor 3 tanggal 18 Agustus 2014 kemarin, padahal salah satu pembicaranya adalah idola saya, Ibu Sri Muliani Indrawati. Syukurlaaah masih bisa nonton via you tube (salah satu jawaban untuk "internet cepat buat apa" :p) dan berikut ini adalah lima kutipan super yang saya tangkap dari beliau.

1. Orang itu bisa memilih mau menjadi apa dalam neraca hidupnya: pilihan untuk menjadi asset, atau menjadi liability.

2. The first ingredient to be successful adalah diri kita sendiri. Trust yourself, respect yourself, develop yourself.

3. Keberhasilan saat sekolah adalah bukan untuk menjadi juara, tetapi bagaimana untuk menikmati pelajaran yang diajarkan. Dan pekerjaan yang paling nikmat adalah yang dilandaskan pada hobi atau kesukaan. Jika saat ini hobi Anda tidak bisa dijadikan pekerjaan, ubahlah mindset Anda untuk menjadikan pekerjaan Anda sekarang sebagai sebuah kesukaan.

4. Karakter asli seseorang tidak diukur dari level intelegensi atau tingkat pendidikannya, tapi terlihat saat bagaimana dia berada dalam kelompok, berintetaksi dalam sebuah tim.

5. Dan seperti biasa, selalu... jangan pernah lelah untuk berhenti mencintai negeri ini.

Dirgahayu Indonesiaku! :)

August 13, 2014

Education

"We can't choose where and under which conditions we were born, but the future is as free as you choose it to be"

This is what my mom and dad always teach me that no matter how tough our life in the past, forgive and never look back, don't complain. We must change our destiny.

I am very thankful of having open-minded parents as I remembered one apprehensive thing related to my big family. I was born as an Arabic, though it's difficult to explain in which race I am included to people questioning. I am a proud Indonesian, that's it.

As pure blood, half blood, or any name given for people who indirectly have connection with Arabic family (which surprise me, because the bond and the sense of belonging to the culture are very strong), we used to be grown up with tight patriarchal mindset in which girls and boys sometimes are raised with different treatment. Boys get more chance in education, choice, having a job than girls. Matchmaking is also a culture, because marriage with the same race is the prestige.

August 11, 2014

Home For Me is Where You Are

Lebaran kali ini berbeda. Tidak lagi tentang pakaian, kue, atau kata maaf yang hanya jadi budaya. Lebaran kali ini tentang mereka, tentang aku dan perasaanku yang hilir mudik bersamaan dengan waktu.

Pagi itu, aku dan ayah duduk di meja makan, kami mengobrol panjang setelah sarapan. Ada sajian air mata yang kutelan pelan-pelan di setiap pesan hidup yang dia katakan. Atau rendang daging kesukaan yang dia beli tergesa-gesa menjelang pulang. Atau kerinduannya mengajak sang anak perempuan berkeliling menikmati malam. Atau kebiasaannya mengejar bayanganku hingga tak terlihat memasuki ruang tunggu keberangkatan. Hingga aku tak perlu ragu bahwa apapun yang terjadi aku tetap menjadi gadis kecilnya yang dia cintai selamanya.


Malam itu, aku tidur memeluk ibu dan memohon pada waktu untuk membeku. Namun malam begitu egois, dia tak mau tahu, hingga menyuruh pagi datang terburu-buru. Lalu kami berjalan-jalan seperti sahabat dekat, dia begitu rindu ditemani seperti ini. Tak pernah terlihat kantuk melekat di wajahnya, lelah yang menggigit bahunya, tertutupi kasih sayang dan dedikasinya yang begitu besar, atau doa yang melulu tentang kebahagiaanku di sepanjang sujud dan kesempatan.


Terima kasih telah menjadi anugerah terindah dalam hidupku, semoga kalian sehat dan tersenyum selalu. Teruntuk adikku, terima kasih telah menjadi adik dan penjaga yang baik. We love you, always and always.

July 15, 2014

Kelima

Usia yang matang untuk sebuah laman.

Seharusnya di tahun ini aku semakin banyak menebar tulisan. Bukan hanya melukis lamunan yang senantiasa bermunculan pada pagi dan petang. Tapi, beberapa begitu saja tersia-sia lalu menguap di angan-angan.

Selamat hari jadi yang kelima taman edelweiss. Terima kasih sudah menjadi teman dan miniatur dari keabadian.

:)

July 12, 2014

Benalu

Pagi itu, sehabis hujan.

Langit masih kelabu tetapi aku sudah menggendong tas ranselku dan berlari keluar rumah sambil menunggu Ibu. Ini adalah hari pertama aku masuk sekolah dasar. Para burung gereja bersahut-sahutan seakan mengucap selamat jalan. Barisan embun berserakan di dedaunan dan terseok-seok di batang pohon mangga yang bergelombang lalu hinggap di jari manisku yang mungil dan kemerahan. Saat itu, pekarangan menjadi tempat yang sangat menyenangkan di kala tak punya teman.

“Ibu, apa itu?”

Aku berjinjit memperhatikan sebuah mahkluk yang menempel di pohon mangga kami yang perkasa.

“Itu namanya benalu”, jawab Ibu sambil merapikan seragamku.

“Apa yang dia lakukan disana?”

“Dia hidup dengan menggerogoti sari pati sang pohon, jika dibiarkan maka sang pohon bisa mati perlahan-lahan”

Mataku berkaca-kaca marah menatap makhluk itu, tak terbayang pada apa yang bisa dia lakukan terhadap pohon kesayanganku. “Sore ini kita basmi ya Ibu”

Ibu mengangguk. “Saat kau besar dan menjadi pemimpin janganlah kau seperti benalu itu yang merebut hak orang lain untuk kenikmatan dirimu sendiri. Lihat, tidak ada yang menyukai benalu itu bukan? Lihat, bagaimana nasib pohon mangga itu yang menjadi korban? Bisa kau rasakan kesedihannya?”

Sepanjang perjalanan ke sekolah aku terus memandang ke belakang. Nasihat Ibu membekas dalam ingatan jangka panjangku yang terdalam. Ini pertama kalinya aku belajar tentang kebencian. Bedanya, ini kebencian yang diperbolehkan.

***

July 8, 2014

Fear

Every tear which falls on Ramadhan is wonderful. It reflects story about heart, hopes, family, and beautiful relationship between Rabb and soul. So is it - as what happens to me this year. It is the most sentimental Ramadhan ever. Because I realize next year life is not same anymore. Months to go, the big thing's gonna happen. Yes, it is a big deal.

The biggest fear of mine is I can't see my mom and dad as much as today. The good news is when I call them, they still treat me as a little girl. Nothing really changes. I hope I will always be their little girl forever. When I come home this Eid, I want to sleep with my mom as long as I can. I want to spend quality time with them and make them feel loved and happy.

Some good friends begin to leave because they are afraid being too close make them miss me when change is something that I can't deny. It makes me sad. Rabb, please give me strength and deep hugs from useless anxiety and doubt.

I just wish time would not run that fast. But it does.

July 2, 2014

Mimpi Besar SMI

Ibu Sri Muliani adalah salah satu tokoh yang selalu membuat saya percaya bahwa masih ada orang baik yang bisa memimpin negeri ini. Beliau adalah pemimpin yang sangat cerdas dan berintegritas, berani melakukan reformasi birokrasi besar-besaran di Kementerian Keuangan, sayang banget sama STAN, dan punya banyak jasa dan pemikiran untuk menjaga dan menyelamatkan kesinambungan fiskal. Di antaranya, kebijakan melunasi utang kepada IMF sampai pada titik IMF tidak lagi mempunyai bargaining position di Indonesia dan kebijakan menutup defisit APBN dan kebutuhan kas jangka pendek dengan instrumen pembiayaan dalam negeri seperti SUN yang menggunakan mata uang Rupiah.

Dua mimpi besar SMI yang belum terwujud sampai saat ini adalah:

Pertama, kinerja keuangan pemerintah tidak diukur berdasarkan penyerapan. Bayangkan di akhir tahun kita berlomba-lomba menghabiskan pundi-pundi anggaran untuk melakukan pengadaan dan memperkaya pihak ketiga tanpa mempertimbangkan efisiensi dan apa output/outcome dari anggaran yang telah digunakan. Setiap satker khawatir dengan sanksi pemotongan anggaran jika anggaran tidak terserap hampir seluruhnya. Performance based budgeting masih jauh dari harapan.

Kedua, pelunasan utang sekian generasi yang jumlahnya luar biasa hampir sepertiga dari PDB Indonesia dengan konsep "gotong royong sumbangan warga Indonesia" seperti yang berhasil diterapkan di Iran. Bayangkan jika setiap orang secara serentak menyumbang sebesar 10.000 rupiah saja setiap bulan, bayangkan dampaknya... terutama terhadap sense of belonging pada negeri ini. Jika dihitung mungkin tidak bisa terlunasi dalam sekian tahun, tapi dampak psikologisnya sangat luar biasa. Still, maybe it is just a dream.

Satu kalimat indah yang saya selalu ingat tentang beliau, "Jangan berhenti mencintai negeri ini"

Just, don't...... :')

June 27, 2014

Upgrade Something Yummy!

I have leisure time these days so I get chance to upgrade my potential which makes me more womanly! I learn to cook! *cry* I learn to prepare my own dinner and some snacks. Fortunately there is a grocery near my dorm. Sorry for my dormmates because they've been my objects to taste my food. LOL.

So far, I've successfully made fried rice, bolognase spaghetti, potato balls, chocolate pancake, and another dishes from chicken, eggs, and vegetable. It feels so good because you know what's actually inside your own food - it means healthier and more savings, yay! But because I'm quite blind with the techniques when I read the recipes, I choose to watch the tutorial from YouTube or call my mom.

The best thing is when looking at person I love eat my food happily... It's priceless. It motivates me to learn more and more. I always believe every woman has talent in cooking by nature, it just takes time! :D

June 25, 2014

Apa yang Salah?

Sampai sekarang selalu heran sama kebiasaan bangsa sendiri yang HOBI buang sampah sembarangan! It's everywhere... 

Tempat wisata yang bagus jadi rusak karena pengunjung seenaknya buang sampah tanpa rasa bersalah, atau di stasiun yang sudah tersedia banyak tempat sampah tapi masih aja tuh tangannya refleks buang sampah di tempat yang tidak seharusnya. Huhu. Bukan berarti karena ada penyapu jalan atau petugas kebersihan, kita terbiasa dengan mindset 'nanti kan ada yang bersihin' bisa sewenang-wenang tidak peduli, ya nggak sih?

Beberapa pendapat menyatakan bahwa kita ini bangsa yang ingin selalu dilayani. Setelah dapat hak sering lupa kewajiban. Ingin dapat nilai atau pekerjaan baik, mau yang instan. Saat hal tidak menyenangkan terjadi, tidak bercermin dan terus menyalahkan orang lain atau pemerintah. Setelah makan, sampah plastik dibuang gitu aja, di tempat-tempat yang tidak layak dirusak pula, di taman, di laut, di sungai, di selokan. Kalau banjir, kita semua marah-marah. Sebenarnya kita sedang marah pada diri sendiri nggak sih?

Kita bisa berubah kan ya? Apa yang salah sih? :(

June 22, 2014

Jangan Kalah Sama Hujan Bulan Juni :D

Jadi yang tertuang dalam puisi Sapardi Djoko Damono bahwa tiada yang lebih tabah dari hujan bulan Juni itu memang tepat. Masya Allah, Juni ini panas beneeeerrrr sepertinya sang hujan memang disuruh bersabar untuk menikmati indahnya terjun dari angkasa. Jalan kaki bolak balik ke kampus tanpa sun block dan persiapan hunting setiap weekend bikin nggak boleh takut sama matahari, yuhuuuuu calon pengantin jadi eksotis.............................. *menghibur diri* *nelen vitamin E*

Alhamdulillah, masalah catering udah kelar, malem-malem diniatin di tengah-tengah UTS ke kantornya Chikal buat fix-in daftar dan saat itu pula udah milih baju pengantin, biar ga keduluan diambil orang katanya aih persaingan di Jakarta ini yaa. Pulangnya nggak boleh tidur sampai pagi soalnya masih harus belajar buat ujian jam 8. Alhamdulillah, abis ujian terakhir langsung hibernasi. Sebelum UTS sempet kena serangan tension headache, sakit beneeeer kepala belakang. Solusinya cuma tidur dan nggak kelaperan. Diserang gatal-gatal dan nyeri di jari tangan dan kaki pula. Ternyata akibat kaki terendam banjir cukup lama waktu perjalanan ke Depok dan kondisi badan lagi nggak fit. Langsung disuruh minum dexamethasone biar kulit terselamatkan, duh.

Undangan juga udah nemu yang pas di harga dan di hati. Setelah tiga kali hunting undangan dong, Pasar Tebet, Blok M, lalu Pasar Tebet lagi dan dapat rekomendasi dari temen-temen *kalau dapet undangan sekarang yang diliat percetakannya apa zzz* benarlah kalau Pasar Tebet itu surganya undangan! Walaupun jauh tapi harga miring, kualitas bagus, dan modelnya lucu-lucu. Pas banget yang saya mau dan dia juga sama, senangnyaaaa. Akhirnya, udah jatuh hati sama Abadi Printing. Udah lega rasanya, masya Allah.

Sampai sekarang selalu percaya bahwa doa mama yang bikin saya kuat, yang bikin hal nggak mungkin menjadi mungkin. Mempersiapkan dan merencanakan semua berdua ituuuu berkah sekaligus tantangan. Seneng sekaliii dikasih kepercayaan buat melakukan dan menentukan sendiri, aaaaaah ya Allah mudahkanlah. UTS juga sudah berakhir. Ini semester yang paling random, tapi saya malah paling menikmati proses belajar di UTS kali ini. Dan saya punya temen-temen yang baiiiiik banget, yang bikin saya normal dan tetap ceria dalam rasa frustasi. LOL.

Banyak perjuangannya, banyak suka dukanya tapiiii lebih banyak suka dan syukurnya, namanya juga memperjuangkan sesuatu yang berharga, jadi ayo tetap semangat. Aroma Ramadhan mulai tercium, Ramadhan kedelapan di rantau!  :)

June 12, 2014

One Month and A Half With Kids

Being private tutor has a lot of good and sad stories, and teaching kids is one of the most challenging experience ever! They are Syifa in class 4 and Faiz in class 1. I accidentally meet her mom when I go back from class and she asks me to teach her kids if I have some time. So, why not? I just need to walk to arrive there and I have free time on the evening.

Teaching kids is not that hard, but not that easy. It is about education, because you have to understand them, be a good example, and be patient for their curiosity. But sometimes being patience needs great effort when you are tired or having bad mood, and they scream to each other or drop a glass of water to the floor........... LOL. When they learn, they used to sit in my laps, and sometimes the sister is jealous to her brother if he steals my attention. They love to talk and tell their imagination when they are doing homework. So I just can laugh after listening their stories. They love recording me with their tablet, oh no. And if the test come, I teach everyday include all subjects from religion until math. Of course, teaching Al Quran is something really new for me! They are smart, but they get to be bored easily because they have a lot of activities and courses. Urban kids have tough life.

From this experience, I learn that nowadays parenting is getting more difficult. The challenge is everywhere, and filtering the media or environment from giving bad impact is something to fight for. Sometimes I am shocked when they know things which are not for their age, for example about having relationship and it is not something rare to find in elementary school. I realize that being elementary teacher is a tough job, so it is important if government should maintain the policy that cares to their welfare. And of course, the kids are entertaining. Knowing that they trust me to be their listener is priceless.

So, here comes the moment that I choose not to continue my side job. The mid test will come and it is tiring because the pressure is amazing, LOL. It is more tiring than teaching adults. They ask me not to leave and give me a cute rabbit doll as a present. Oh, it is too sweet. When the mom asks me the reason, my answer is........... I am going to get married soon. What a random answer! -___- The mom is surprised and she thinks I am still 21. I am gonna be 25 this year *cry*

Cute bunny from kids :')

See you again kids. I love you :*

Post script: I always have dream that I can be a great educator or lecturer someday, and I can teach something related to my competence. Aamiin :)

June 1, 2014

Digitally Attached

Alhamdulillah. Finally, I can move on from the guilt and loneliness after the lost of my phone. I still have parents, best friend, and him who never leave me, and I have Allah who guarantees every piece of my life. I feel something good, much better than before. I feel loved, and it is a bless :)

Many good things happened today. My best friend, Ai asked me to accompany her trying to teach kids in Sarmili on Sunday morning. How sad to see they lived with the environment in poverty and garbage. But the smile painted on their face. It made me realize that I once forgot to have gratitude, although so many things that we could rejoice in life.

Under the heat attack, we walked to the campus and found out there was a heritage festival. Ai treated me cute bracelet from Borneo stand. It would be my future homeland, LOL. And, we went around and fulfilled our stomach with some cheap and delicious culinary. I was happy. Thank you for her! :)

This case taught me that I was digitally attached to some people in my life. Looking 'last seen' in whatsapp application could make me happy because I knew he/she was there. Now, I was back to short messaging era for a while. Nothing you could check on your phone, no unwanted notification from unwanted chat, you just focused on your duty, and no insecurity came out. Being digitally attached was sad, but you would find out that being naturally attached was awesome. When they called me and my best friend hugged me, I cried. How vulnerable! But, actually hormonal effect made it worse :p And... I loved being hugged.

We live in the era when we are totally connected in digital tools. When they are gone, we feel dumb and nothing. It is totally wrong. We should control the technology, not the technology which controls us right? And... I miss that technology :(

And yes, feel much relieved now. A new path of growing up. Never been easy, but never been that hard. Hello June, promise to be nice.

*Post Script: when I still had not got the replacement for my sim card, I went to my student's house and nobody opened the door because the bell was not functioned. I did not have their contact, so I made a note and slipped it under the fence, hoped they would see it. And yeah, it worked, they called me! It felt like... time-machine, returned to so many years ago :/

May 31, 2014

Self Note: Test Food dan Cerita di Baliknya

Jadi malam ini baru saja selesai test food Chikal Catering di Gedung Sasana Utomo, TMII. Setelah ngobrol sama PIC-nya, keliling-keliling, dan nyicip makanan eh baru berasa ada yang janggal... bener aja, hape nggak ada di genggaman, di saku, juga di tas. Dihubungi berkali-kali sama si cami eh hapenya udah nggak aktif, ditanya ke masnya dia juga bingung, saya tetep kekeuh nyari dan yakin hape itu masih ada, berkali-kali coba telpon ulang sampai si cami langsung bilang, "Ya udah, mau bilang apa, ikhlasin aja"

Huhu, saya sebel banget. Langsung keluar dari gedung dengan keadaan hati yang serba nggak enak. Soalnya hape satu-satunya itu memang bernilai banget buat saya, terutama buat perkuliahan yang nota bene semua aktivitas kuliah diumumkan via whatsapp, foto-foto yang memorable dan belum sempet di back-up, kontak-kontak penting dan nilai historis di balik hape itu yang diperoleh penuh perjuangan.

Si cami bilang lagi, "Nangis pun nggak akan ketemu. Baru kehilangan barang, bisa diganti, belum orang. Udah, ikhlas"

Ternyata ilmu ikhlas itu susaaaah. Saya masih sering ngedoain yang jelek buat orang yang jahat sama saya huhuhuhu. Baru begini doang yaaa padahal. Keciiiil ini mah. Malu :(

Dan, Masya Allah, sepanjang perjalanan pulang pikiran saya kemana-mana. Berasa mimpi! Merenuuuung sepanjang jalan mulai dari mau nangis, merengut, sampai bisa ketawa lagi. Mungkin, kita memang tidak boleh mencintai sesuatu barang sampai barang itu menjauhkan kita dari Sang Pencipta, bangun tidur yang dilihat notif hape bukan langsung subuhan, jadi suka menunda tugas dan ibadah karena asyik chat dan melototin timeline. Mungkin, Allah sedang cemburu karena saya lalai, karena Dia sangat sayang saya.

Berbekal pikiran itu, hati jadi lebih tenang. Jika demikian, mungkin memang lebih baik Allah mengambil kembali titipan itu dari tangan saya. Setelah itu saya lebih ikhlas, dan bisa memikirkan setelah ini harus melakukan apa.

Jadi mulai hari ini dan beberapa hari ke depan (sampai waktu yang tidak ditentukan), saya vakum dulu dari dunia smartphone, belajar menabung kangen, dan kembali ke hape seratus ribuan yang masih ada di lemari. LOL. Yang penting bisa nelpon mama, nelpon cami, sms murid-murid, itu aja dulu. Notif dari grup kelas tanya via tetangga sebelah kamar dulu, setelah itu pelan-pelan ngurus kehilangan kartu di galeri terdekat.

Arggghhhhh, belum bisa nelpon mama dan ngirim pesan ga penting ke cami. Ya Allah berasa sepiiiii..... :') *hug me Rabb*

May 28, 2014

Don't Give Up

Yang aku pinta padamu adalah jangan menyerah. Ini hanya masalah waktu, diminta menunggu, atau berputar arah lebih dahulu. Tetaplah berusaha, menuju titik itu tidak hanya perlu dari satu pintu. Percayalah, bahwa Allah menyayangimu dan Dia tidak akan pernah membiarkan hamba-Nya yang baik menjadi pilu.

***

So, I just expected one name on that paper. But, it was not there. Then, I question myself maybe it is because of my ego. I am really sorry... And, thank you for trying so hard during the tough times and tiring days to make it work. Thank you.

For your goodness, I'll try and pray the best for you as what you have done the best for me. I promise, it will happen :)

May 27, 2014

Patahan #82

Kalau dipikir dengan keadaan diri yang seperti ini, rasanya banyak sekali hal-hal ajaib yang terjadi karena kasih sayang Allah, mulai dari hal-hal kecil yang bisa kunikmati setiap hari hingga hal-hal besar dan mimpi yang nanti sepertinya tak akan mungkin tergapai, tapi bagi Allah jika Dia berkehendak, jadi maka jadilah.

Dan pada itu semua, aku selalu percaya pada keajaiban doa. Doa ibu, ibu, ibu, dan ayah sungguh luar biasa. Doa yang memelukku dari jauh, dan merengkuh dari segala peluh.

Terima kasih ya Rabb......... I always believe to the power of prayers. Ketika diri merasa tidak mampu, percayalah bahwa tidak ada yang mungkin buat Allah yang Maha Mampu. Dan ketetapan Allah pada akhirnya selalu jauh lebih baik dari rencana manusia... :)

***

Teringat sebuah nasihat indah dari Pak Ridwan Kamil, Walikota Jawa Barat di acara Mata Najwa:

"Apa yang bisa membuat Bapak sampai seperti ini?"

"Saya selalu percaya pada the power of prayers. Ketika itu saya pernah ditanya, apa yang membuat saya dapat berhasil hingga sekarang. Saya menjawab, ini karena pendidikan dan kerja keras saya. Orang itu menjawab, bukan, itu hanya berperan sebagian kecil dari kesuksesan saya. Semua ini berkah dari doa ibu saya. Mendengar kalimat itu, saya langsung menelpon ibu..."

:)

May 26, 2014

PTK Olympic

No, I was not an athlete. Actually, an athlete without sweating. LOL. It was my first chance to join PTK (Perguruan Tinggi Kedinasan) Olympic because in this year, there were some academic competitions held, like English Speech, Scrabble, and scientific paper. I was so nervous to accept the offer because I didn't experience this anymore for quite long. The preparation took a week from composing text and doing some practices. I picked Bureaucracy Reform as my speech theme.

The Olympic was held on May, 24-25 in Sekolah Tinggi Pertanahan Nasional, Yogyakarta. The contingent consisted of 100 athletes and committees left for Yogyakarta on Friday evening with bus after the mid-test. It was my first time to travel in Java by bus and there was still a class on Friday afternoon - it meant it was my first permission during lectures. Fortunately, no quiz for that day. Fyuh!

Athletes without sweating XD

May 5, 2014

So Far So Good :)

May is already coming! Time always runs fast. It just needs two months to reach Holy Ramadhan again. Anyway, what's the progress so far?

New Class
It's been a year studying in advanced diploma, so the ninth semester has begun! Classmates change, new lecturers, new lessons... I love these. Good environment makes me feel fine and stay young.

New Students
Accidentally got chance to teach kids again, alhamdulillah. I just walked alone to buy meals and a mother suddenly asked me to teach her kids. They are still in primary school and their house is close from my dorm. I am so happy. It feels like everything just happens in the right time. I look forward to start teaching tomorrow... :)

"Wa man yattaqillaha yaj'al lahu makhrojaa,wayarzuqhu min haitsu laa yahtasiib" - And whoever fears Allah - Allah will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect [At Thalaq 65:2-3]

Can't wait to see another surprise from Allah :)

New Book (Borrowed) To Read
It is quite long I don't read novel (and go to movie). Thanks for a friend who lent me her book to make me stay alive. Yay, finally got chance to read Inferno!

Wedding Preparation
The most difficult (and never-ending) preparation is mental. A lot of friends and relatives give me advices about the preparation. And I hope I am not infected by the crazy Pre-Wedding Syndrome (because I've started to be a bridezilla...). It's exciting to prepare most of the details by ourselves. It's tiring but it's priceless. So far, the venue was already booked before the proposal. Finding available venue in Jakarta was tight competition! Though we didn't get the Customs Head Office venue in Rawamangun (because it's already booked until 2015.... *speechless*), Allah gave the guidance. We got better venue with more affordable price in Pasar Minggu named Sasana Pakarti. So grateful :')

Yesterday we hunted invitation in Tebet Market and souvenir in Mester Market Jatinegara. We just looked around and chose not to decide soon. I just thought to design the invitation by myself and to hunt the souvenir in another place later. It was quite tiring to get there by motorcycle from Bintaro and we just ended taking a rest in the mosque, LOL. The most important thing to hold the wedding is to organize the budget efficiently and cut the unimportant list to save the costs. Communication is also essential to accommodate and decide what's best for what I want, what he wants, and what our families want. And... don't be stressful, have faith - good thing will happen :) *though I have to admit I do overthinking and sigh for everything, the list is still long*

Girls Day
And, finally got time to meet my girlfriends! I miss girl talk, good friends... I always miss them.

I really hope I can achieve the 'new me' everyday. 'New me' who is brave enough to conquer her fears and to reach her dreams. 'New me' who loves learning and challenging herself. 'New me' who is happy, confident, and happier with her life!

Stay positive and smile! :D

April 22, 2014

The Proposal

Saturday, April 19, 2014.

After 3 years and 5 months, finally we reached that path. It was one of the biggest decisions in my life. Tough time had passed, and Allah made it clear that day. Alhamdulillah... :')

The preparation had been started for more than a month. He formally asked me on March and his family planned to hold it in my holiday. I was so nervous, it was like a dream! It was difficult at first, but I knew Allah would always guard me and bless our intention. First step was convincing myself and asking my parents. Surprisingly, they agreed though they was shocked as I predicted, LOL. Second step was introducing him and requesting approval from my big family. It was not easy because they loved me too much and they still assumed me as a little girl, oh too sweet :') but finally, with Allah's help, I succeeded to get the approval and a lot of prayers. Thank youuu, especially for my grandma and auntie.

Third step was preparing the details like 'seserahan'  and the rings. I really had no idea about this and I had to steal some time between my final test. Thank God, I got help from his cousin and she accompanied us to buy things we needed. On that moment, I realized that shopping was important knowledge that I should have learned :( We hunted in Tanah Abang for clothes, bags, prayers equipment, veils, and bed cover then we continued to buy bath and make ups items in Tebet Market. We bought shoes and personal items in some malls in Tangerang, and the rings were ordered in Cikini Gold Market. When we arrived there on Saturday at 4.30 pm the store was almost closed, but the owner still served us well. I chose the white gold for me and the silver one for him with my name carved behind his ring, and his behind mine. The service for name carve was free, happy! It took three weeks to finish the rings. It was tiring, but they said the struggle would be the sweet memory for us.

April 17, 2014

Emily

Let's try something crazy. Before we move on, I will tell you about myself. I am Emily Maple Chemical Cherry. Surprised with my name? So am I. My father is a scientist. My mother loves plants. Magically, they both adore Einstein. And I become the victim. They create my name refer to this popular relativity equation: E=mc2. Got it now?

My parents never allow me to fall in love or have fun for eighteen years. When the girls scream for One Direction concert, i dream about Milky Way with encyclopedia below my head. So, here is the clue about something crazy that I've told before: "Emily will fall in love". It's not an axiom or hypotheses, by the way. I jump directly to conclusion: "I already fall in love!"

Who's the man? He is the man I've found in Facebook! He is my friend's friend. I made a note about the book that I've just read and I tagged my friend, but incidentally she mentioned him in her comment - because he liked that book too. Then, we became friend! Nature conspired!

April 16, 2014

The Rocking Chair

There was an old woman who used to sit on the rocking chair while staring to the sunset over the tower accross the terrace of her house. She was a  seventy-something grandma of her seventeen-year-old favorite girl. She waited there for years with the same position, the same anxiety, and the same clothes' style - drinking tea from the same cup and chewing the same brand of biscuits.

What made difference was the time which changed as the girl grew up. It was twelve turned to be three and got to be six. If the clouds didn't bother hiding the sky from red to black, from glad to sad, sunset was the only entertainment she had while seeking sound of the footsteps, knowing the girl had gone home safely, kissing her hand, and helping her waking up from the rocking chair - the old-wooden one with crying out rhymes as it shook.

All she needed was that girl. She didn't want to have dinner or to get to sleep before seeing that girl close to her. She took care her, prayed for her, and slept next to her every night. Fortunately, she loved that girl too much. Yet, unfortunately she loved that girl too much.

And one day, the sunset didn't look nice anymore. It was difficult choice. She didn't want to let go but the girl had to chase her dreams. She still waited on her rocking chair wishing the girl come back and hugging her. She missed her until having no appetite and she began to sick. On the fortieth day of the flight, the old woman lied down on the rocking chair for the last time - the old-wooden one with crying out rhymes as it shook.

April 8, 2014

The Art of Missing Someone

One day, you will find the beauty of holding the phone, pressing the buttons, and cancelling it suddenly because you understand your ego is nothing compared with the need of having good rests for your loving one. You cover your body with blanket though you are awake because your nerves ask that voice for their lullaby. The eyes never lie and they create the rains without cold and storm shaking your body until you fall asleep. God answers your prayers and gives you nice dreams. You remember every detail and you have more energy in the morning. You jump and search your phone over your bed once you wake up. The battery is off. You are hurry to charge and turn the power on. It will be like a chocolate box. Sometimes you find a hello, a smile, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you get a little sorrow. But you let it be, it happens again tomorrow.

April 4, 2014

Passport Pertamaku

Lagi-lagi berasa telat, LOL. Saat yang lain udah berkali-kali ke luar negeri, saya baru ngurus passport dong -__- Sebenernya udah lamaaa banget pingin ngurus, sejak tahun 2012 mungkin. Kalau mau ngurus di kantor imigrasi (kanim) Jakarta dan KTPnya bukan domisili Jakarta, harus pakai surat keterangan kerja. Suratnya udah punya, eh males banget buat izin pergi ngurusnya ke kanim. Setelah tugas belajar, makin jauh deh itu berasa kanim..........

Berhubung pulang, sekalian deh ngurus passport. Belum ada rencana buat pergi kemana-mana hoho tapi sesuai yang saya percayai kita harus mempersiapkan kebaikan-kebaikan dari Allah itu datang. Setidaknya punya passport dulu hehehe. Saya bikin passport di Kanim Kelas I Khusus Medan. Lumayan jauh huhu tapi ada abah yang nganterin...... baiknyaaa. Kirain sepi jadi datangnya nggak terlalu pagi, eh sampai jam 8 pagi dapat antrian nomor 81 alhamdulillaaah masih dapat soalnya sampai nomor 90 antrian udah ditutup.

Sekarang mengurus passport sendiri jauh lebih mudah dan murah. Pelayanan sudah lebih baik. Jasa percaloan masih ada tapi tidak separah dulu, dan formulirnya gratis tis tis. Formulir bisa diisi secara online dan secara manual, alias langsung datang ke kanim. Saat mengisi formulir selalu ada perbedaan pandangan antara passport 24 halaman dan 48 halaman.

April 1, 2014

Priceless

Sleeping with mother. Being hugged. Enjoying her food. Walking with father. Telling some random stories. Looking his old face during working. Being in their prayers. Crying and getting advices. Studying with young brother. Knowing that he understands what you've been saying. Listening his dreams. Meeting the real people. Helping and talking. Being patient and respect. Escaping and finding yourself. Realizing about how this world's running. Sometimes you can't please everyone, sometimes people may come and just go from your life.

For me, it's the best thing of having days-off. It's all about being a human and doing something that you rarely experience. And you'll one day regret because you've missed it.

That kind of happiness is just... priceless.

March 28, 2014

She is A Wallflower

Her name is Violet. She likes toast as she loves books. She often speaks with her own mind when she is in crowd. She gets bored easily, but she is really nice. Yes, she is a perfect girlfriend - something that she never knows.

She is invited in a lot of groups in social media. She hates notification knowing that people keep chatting, even for unimportant things. She is a silent reader. She is invisible. She is beautiful in her unnoticed behavior and being alone - something that she never knows.

She is asked to involve in various kinds of activities. She realizes that it's challenging to stay in places or meet people that honestly don't make her comfort or force her to be extroverted while she is pure introverted. She often runs and creates reasons to escape. She loves small groups, and speaks one to one. When she finally meets some friends that really connect to her, she can't stop talking, laughing, and becomes so loyal. She works behind the scene, she has brilliant ideas - something that she never knows.

"How about saying no?" - her heart is bleeding.

"Violet, we need you. Can you do this for us please?"

She should have said no. She gives up her mind and walks back on her desk.


Yes, she is a wallflower - something that she never knows.

March 26, 2014

Tribute of Togetherness

Wednesday, April 26.

Today was the last day of final examination in semester eight. It was terrifying accounting test that lost our appetite, oh God........ :'(

still... in front of this phenomenal background :p

But life should go on. After the test, we prepared our farewell party. This gathering was pioneered by the project given from our leadership lecturer. The party was held in 2nd floor of Bebek Kaleyo Bintaro. Of course I'm gonna miss all of them who has become my family, my classmate, and friends to learn, friends to laugh, friends to share. Thanks for this amazing one year, guys. Please forgive my ego. Everydays seems much easier because of you :)

saranghaeyooo :)

After having lunch and watching some performances, we exchanged the gifts and I got the mug. Happy! Then, everyone was given cute and funny award. They gave me award as Miss PHP (The girl of fake promise). It felt like................ LOL. It was the past, actually :p

*speechless*

The holiday has come. Yay, I can't wait to go home. See you again in the next path! :)


What is stronger than bones? Virtues. 

What is tighter than blood? Heart.

And what contains both of them? Friendship. It is you.

March 23, 2014

Dignity

It takes big courage to keep walking on your own path. Some people come to whisper the words that haunt you and push you back. Dignity is about being responsible to every choice you have made and believing this is what you really need. It is the moment when I should be brave. I believe Allah guides me. It is the moment, the only moment...... when I just want to listen to my heart, my mom, and my dad.

Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves you.

March 19, 2014

The Story of March

It is a super long exciting month. The last two weeks of lecturing were deep-breathing. I used to manage myself in deadline and rush. I should applaud because being a last minute person was stressful, but the pressure made me addictive and easier to get the idea. Weird. I still have private student who trusts me. Teaching is heaven. And, I am happy with my classmates. Having a year together makes me feel like family and it's difficult to be separated. Especially for my sister and friend Ai who is so kind to me. Thank you, guys, thank you :(


me and ai :)

And Thank Allah, the final exam is coming. It means the holiday are waiting! It's almost 8 months that I don't go home. I really miss my parents, I miss my home.

March is full of tears and laughter. Worry and uncertainty are shaking my head every day. It seems there is at least a moment in a year like what happened last year that asks me to surrender to Allah with full of trust, and just wait for the answers. Sometimes we think it's impossible, it's sad, it's confusing, but what is possible for Allah? Nothing. The proof is Allah starts to send me unpredictable helping hands, good hearts, and bless, yes bless... Alhamdulillah... and guidance... I really need the guidance.

"Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things..."


Wish me luck and pray for me... :)

March 13, 2014

What Goes Around Comes Back Around ~

Satu hal yang saya sangat yakini dalam hidup adalah tidak pernah ada yang namanya sia-sia. Ada suatu fase dimana saya benci banget sama keadaan atau penugasan waktu di kantor, tapi ternyata penugasan-penugasan itu jadi modal yang berharga banget buat saya waktu lanjut kuliah DIV. Apa yang saya jalani hari ini pasti akan membantu saya buat mencapai tujuan di masa depan juga. Who knows? Pengalaman apapun yang kita dapat di masa lalu nggak bisa dibeli lho, dan itu yang membuat kita lebih kaya dan lebih siap dari yang lain.

Sometimes we need to thank for the 'past' us for being brave that day. Thank you :)

Abah saya juga selalu mengajarkan bahwa kerja keras itu bikin kita bermartabat. Nggak apa-apa lebih capek atau lebih berjuang sekarang, karena Allah Maha Penyayang. Yang mau menyakiti dirinya sendiri dengan korupsi, mau enaknya aja, atau berbuat curang, ingat saja bahwa kebahagiaan itu nggak akan lama karena what goes around comes back around, right?

March 9, 2014

Welcome New Fighter!

Today I have mixed feelings.

I went to Depok on the early Sunday morning, wore my favorite dress, and caught the commuter. There would be family gathering held in my aunt's house, and it had been quite long that I didn't meet family. Sometimes I was not confident enough to be there but I should help my aunt and see my grandmother. I told some stories, but not complete ones, sadly. But I thought they were still not ready to push 'OK button' for me to walk upon my choice. It was fine, because helping her, enjoying good food, and looking her smile in her exhausted face made me feel blessed.
 
It was 4.30 pm. I was in a rush to arrive in Palmerah as soon as possible. I stood in commuter and sent some messages to my best friend. She was in Tapaktuan, Aceh. I missed her and I really needed a figure like her to make me calm and understand me. She told me her experience and asked me to stay surrender to Allah. I realized that I had to increase my worship, multiply the alms, and my Dhuha prayers. Maybe I was far from Allah, and I had to trust that Allah loved me. Allah knew the best. I felt better and tried to hide my tears in front of people.

I got there at almost 6, and my boyfriend had waited for 2 hours. I felt guilty, but he was fine. We did Magrib prayers in TVRI mosque, parked the motorcycle, and walked to JCC, Senayan. There were a lot of teenagers with orange costume gather to support their team. We kept walking and he held my hand all night. Then I felt safe.

We entered to Mega Bazaar Consumer Show 2014 to get notebook for me. It was the last night so it was quite crowded. He chose patiently and I just could stare to them because I didn't understand much about gadget. After looking around and thinking for twice and thrice, I made my choice. It was difficult because I didn't have plan to buy one on that month for saving. But I really needed it. I borrowed his for my study for 6 months. Sorry.

So, the new fighter already came to mama to replace my Prince William. It was like self-investment and dream came true because it was my dreaming notebook that I gifted to myself. I loved the size, I loved the weight, I loved the specification. Thank Allah :') I promised to learn diligently.

It was 10 pm. The front door of TVRI building had closed. We were confused how to take the motorcycle parked there. Fortunately, the side door still opened and the guards were so nice. The road was still long to reach Bintaro. My legs were painful but I knew he was more tired than me.

And trust me, every Saturday would be so long afterwards...

***

Now, I just can't sleep. I am excited but my mind is still wandering around. I keep thinking about every possibility coming, and asking for God's hug to give me strength. Poor me, my eyes swollen in the morning.

"... faidza 'azamta fatawakkal 'alallah, innallaha yuhibbul mutawakkilin (QS. 3:159) - Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust.

***

And for anything will happen... hello again new fighter laying on the desk! Please cooperate and back up me for days ahead, yes :)

February 21, 2014

STAN Peduli Sampah

Mari menolak lupa. Ada apa di tanggal 21 Februari?

Hayooo ada yang masih inget nggak? Tanggal 21 Februari ditetapkan sebagai Hari Peduli Sampah Nasional lho. Peringatan Hari Peduli Sampah Nasional ini dipicu oleh tragedi longsor sampah di Leuwigajah, Cimahi, Jawa Barat yang terjadi pada 21 Februari 2005 silam. Tragedi ini tercatat menewaskan hingga 143 warga yang tertimbun sampah dan mengubur 137 rumah di desa mereka :'(

Jadi inget sama banjir Jakarta yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini. Masalah utamanya kembali bermula dari sampah. Dalam sehari, Jakarta menghasilkan sekitar 6.500 ton sampah yang diproduksi oleh 14 juta penduduk pada siang hari dan 10 juta penduduk pada malam hari. Penduduk Jakarta dapat membangun 1 Candi Borobudur setiap 2 hari dari tumpukan sampah. Dalam setahun, kira-kira dapat terbangun 185 buah Candi Borobudur. Hmmm! (Volume Candi Borobudur adalah 55.000 m2). 

Tiap tahunnya, kota-kota di dunia menghasilkan sampah hingga 1,3 miliar ton. Diperkirakan oleh Bank Dunia, pada tahun 2025 jumlah ini bertambah hingga 2,2 miliar ton. Manajemen sampah yang buruk, terutama di negara-negara berkembang menjadi salah satu pemicunya. Di negara seperti Indonesia contohnya, angka pendaurulangan sampah termasuk rendah yakni di bawah 50 persen. Kesadaran untuk tidak membuang sampah sembarangan juga masih memprihatinkan.

Nah, ini adalah kota-kota terbersih di dunia tahun 2013 dari peringkat 10 s.d. 1, yaitu:
10. Freinburg, Jerman
9. Singapura
8. Copenhagen, Denmark
7. Wellington, Selandia Baru
6. Kobe, Jepang
5. Ifrane, Maroko
4. Helsinki, Finlandia
3. Honolulu, Hawaii
2. Minneapolis, Amerika Serikat
1. Calgary, Kanada

Wow! Kalau berkaca dari negara tetangga kita Singapura, mereka punya teknologi yang bisa mengolah sampah menjadi bahan atau sejenis material pasir yang dihasilkan untuk tujuan memperluas wilayahnya. Brilliant! Sayangnya nih, 2 dari 10 tempat terpolusi di dunia ada di Indonesia yaitu Sungai Citarum dan Kalimantan sebagaimana dilansir oleh National Geographic. Dari hasil tes yang dilakukan di lokasi tersebut, air yang biasa diminum oleh warga di sekitar Sungai Citarum berada di level sangat berbahaya karena 1000 kali di atas standar berbahaya yang ditetapkan di Amerika Serikat!

Sayang sekali yaa jika notabene masyarakat yang sudah berpendidikan tinggi masih punya mindset 'buang sampah dimana aja'. Trus yang bikin miris, waktu saya pergi ke Mesjid Kubah Emas Depok yang indaaah sekali, eh ada aja ibu-ibu yang masih tega buang sampah sembarangan, membiarkan atau menyuruh anaknya buang sampah gitu aja. Padahal kebersihan itu sebagian dari iman lhooo. Dan memang bener, hidup bersih itu harus dimulai sejak usia dini, dan dari ibunya. Jadi perempuan yang suka kebersihan yuuuk.

***

Lalu apa hubungan artikel di atas dengan STAN? Supaya kita bisa membuka mata dan peduli bahwa hal-hal besar dimulai dari hal-hal kecil di sekitar kita. You are what you do! Selain gerakan anti rokok, kita juga butuh gerakan keren dan bangga nggak buang sampah sembarangan di kampus. Baik itu di laci kelas, di lantai, juga di kantin. Sedih aja kalau masuk kelas eh ada berbagai plastik bungkus makanan atau botol minuman yang dibiarkan gitu aja. Mulai dari diri sendiri yuuuk. Masa tega mengotori kampus kita rumah kita sendiri. 

Setuju? ;)

***

Artikel ini terinspirasi dari tema yang pernah dikupas oleh Radio Blast. Walaupun sering terkena scriptwriter's block, tapi salah satu kebahagiaan jadi penulis script adalah bisa menyebarkan ide yang sudah lamaaa tertanam di pikiran ke banyak orang. Dan, tentang sampah salah satunya :)

February 20, 2014

Enthusiasm

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which mean never losing your enthusiasm." - Aldous Huxley

***

I know that they keep comparing us with others. They say that we are less enthusiastic to things presented in front of us. It is not absolutely right, but also not totally wrong. First premise, everyone is different and... special! It can be forced. Everyone has certain guts that wake their inner dragon. What makes him/her enthusiastic the most is not similar as mine, vice versa. Second premise, respect is number one value for human interaction. So, when enthusiasm and respect are on the same position, what will you win first?  I think respect must go first. How does it feel when someone in front of you talking or asking a question but you just keep silent or socialize with your smartphone? Does it hurt?

Furthermore, enthusiasm can be begun because of understanding. Because you don't know its meaning and importance for your life... but when you start to realize it's important, you'll chase it with all power you have. Enthusiasm can be begun because of appreciation. Yes, sometimes we are just too busy with ourselves and our ego.

Then, environment influences a lot. It is a pressure to stand up alone while most of people around fooling and laying below. Some great people give up not because they fail, but because of the fears, or because environment thinks they are not normal. They are weird. They are threat. They are hated. They are just involved when needed. Does it hurt?

So what's wrong with us actually? When resistance is in the same portion as acceptance, no movement happens. It's the conclusion.

My lecturer said  before we watched Pocari Sweat History this morning (it was wonderful to know the beautiful truth behind!), "Arrogance comes when someone is overconfident, or on the contrary, when someone does not have any strength in head and heart at all, so it is what he/she does to stay existed"

It's only a month to go. Let's see and wait the good things happen.

.

.

.



***

Post Script: Anyway, when I am writing this, the rain falls all day outside. And, nothing is better than the smell of person you love. The petrichor is defeated by the smell on jacket that you just returned two days ago.

It makes me smile.

February 19, 2014

Karena Satu Sama Dengan Tujuh


Matahari bangun pagi-pagi sekali. 

Dia segera menggelitik dedaunan yang masih tertidur pulas dengan sinarnya yang lembut dan menyelinap hingga ke celah-celah ranting terdalam. Sepasang burung pipit terbangun, mengepakkan sayap berulang-ulang, dan mempersembahkan senandungnya yang riang. 

“Selamat pagi, matahari”, ujar mereka. Matahari tersenyum dan kembali menjentikkan sinarnya yang genit pada para daun. 

“Ayo bangun. Bukankah kalian harus memasak? Mangga-mangga ranum siap untuk dipanen”. Para bayi daun menguap lebar dan berusaha membuka matanya yang terkatup erat. Para ayah daun dan para ibu daun menghirup udara banyak-banyak dan menyaring sinar matahari untuk diolah menjadi makanan satu keluarga besar pohon mangga setiap harinya dan disimpan sebagian untuk diramu sebagai calon buah mangga yang lezat dan istimewa.

Para kakek dan nenek daun beristirahat menikmati semilir angin sambil sesekali bercakap-cakap dengan para bayi daun. Tubuh mereka sangat rapuh, dan tidak ada yang pernah menduga pada detik ke berapa angin akan menghempaskan mereka dari ranting ke bumi. Tapi mereka tak pernah khawatir. Karena apa yang jatuh ke bumi, akan abadi. Mereka akan mati dan hancur menjadi material penyubur bumi, diserap oleh sang akar yang sakti, dimasak oleh para koki daun yang ahli, dan terlahir kembali sebagai daun baru yang suci – semacam reinkarnasi.

“Lihatlah, makanan sudah tiba!”, kata selembar daun remaja yang bersiaga di pucuk. Sepasang kakek nenek yang hidup berdua mendiami rumah itu sejak pernikahan tahun pertama mereka rutin menebar pupuk, ampas teh, dan air beras yang kaya gizi di tanah tempat sang pohon tegak berdiri. Pohon itu tepat ditanam di pekarangan pada bulan kedua kehamilan pertama sang nenek, sekitar tiga puluh dua tahun yang lalu. Sang anak dan cucu mengunjungi rumah ini di setiap libur panjang dan menjadikan mangga yang terkenal kenikmatannya turun temurun dan para tetangga ini menjadi oleh-oleh yang utama.

“Baiklah, aku akan bersiap! Siapkan kekuatan!”, kata sang akar menyiapkan tenaganya untuk menghisap makanan dengan suka cita.

“Selamat memasak! Mari kita persembahkan buah yang banyak dan manis untuk kakek nenek dan para cucu yang baik hatinya”, sahut para ibu daun bernyanyi mempersiapkan amunisi untuk memberi makan alam dan kehidupan.

Seperti biasa, pekarangan selalu riuh dengan kebahagiaan dan giatnya pagi. Sayangnya, manusia tak mampu mendengar ini. Jika bisa, pasti kita akan malu sendiri.

***

February 18, 2014

They Say

They often say, when it seems I am too busy with myself, stare at my notebook, or try to finish the assignment as soon as I can do - with these questions, "What do you do on weekend?", "Do you really enjoy your leisure time?", and "Do you really have boyfriend? Or is he imaginary?"

And I just laugh.

Yes, I am a person who laugh easily and a lot in front of people.

I think I don't have to answer. As if they knew that I have weekend, and however it is, I love weekend. I have pleasure time. And the other reason why I feel to urge myself to do my best or do my responsibility as soon as I can do, except to be grateful and yes, because I have to... the other possible reason is because of him. He motivates me. Everyday. I want to show him and myself that I am getting better as I am getting older. And yes, I can feel it. I am getting better and better. It is wonderful feeling when you start to love yourself more than you used to hate.

And it is the point. Having relationship doesn't mean you have to stop being yourself, or make you go away from your activities and friends. It should be blessed.

If I can finish my responsibility on the track, it means I can do something else waiting... or meet him with calm mind, and not to complicate others when I let my friends wait or hurt because personal interest on the wrong time and place. And, less complaining is another self-respect. Everyone doesn't need to know your problems or the consequences of the life path you choose. So, why should blame others and feel like you have the worst life ever?

And... doing something good is nice. Doing something good is self-respect. Doing something good with happy feeling is super nice.

"But one day I realized. Nobody makes me happy like he does. But nobody ever made me feel like that before…" (Adopted from Meme Proposal)



For everything I have, Thank You Allah. Thank You. Please, bless my heart with strength from fear and sadness.

February 17, 2014

More Than I Love You

"You should buy a carpet"

"It's okay. It can wait"

"You really should. Now. You often sleep on the floor like that. You always catch a cold"

It was Sunday morning. We just finished from jogging around. I hadn't taken a bath. And we suddenly went to buy a carpet. A brown one. And I told to myself, this carpet was like time-machine - it would bring me to the future or heaven (?) so I should be more motivated studying and praying there.

"Don't complain. He always says 'I love you' - maybe not words, but from what he does. You just never listens"

I agree to that quote. For me, what he did, and yeah, it was more than I love you.

February 14, 2014

How am I Doing?

I am still growing up as a girl who likes giving comments about a lot of things silently. I hate people throwing up garbage with no care on their hands. I crave for U.K. more. I build a new dream, yes, I dream to be an analyst. I always miss home. I always miss him. I miss praying in peace. I don't do travel or make up a lot, but I always want to. I love solitude. I love being hugged. I like to eat. I like to teach, yes, I have some private students now.


And I am confused with myself. Always.

February 6, 2014

Restu Langit


Lima jam yang lalu kami bertengkar hebat.

Ibu bersepakat tidak akan mengantarkan kepulanganku. Ayah pun demikian, beliau hanya mencarikan aku taksi lalu kembali masuk ke ruang tamu. Bagiku, ini perjalanan yang terlalu menyedihkan. Tidak ada yang lebih menyedihkan daripada berada di kampung halaman namun jiwamu tetap merasa sendirian. Tak ada pelukan, tak ada lambaian tangan, dan tak ada kata-kata perpisahan yang memancing tangis kami bersahut-sahutan. Yang tersisa adalah wajah yang basah dijejaki hujan dan adik kecilku yang bisu meringis dari kejauhan. Dia terus memberi isyarat dengan jari-jari mungilnya, “I love you. I love you, kakak” hingga taksi berangkat, menerobos banjir yang tak surut sejak langit pekat, dan mencipta jarak yang membuat kerongkongan tercekat.

Aku tiba di bandara sembilan puluh tiga menit menjelang penerbangan, bergegas melakukan prosedur check-in, menyerahkan bagasi, dan melangkah ke ruang tunggu dengan emosi yang tak terdefinisi. Pintu masuk yang memisahkan para perantau dengan pengantarnya, ayah dengan anak perempuannya, istri dengan suaminya – telah menjadikan setiap kata yang terdengar menjadi sangat berharga seakan kau ingin menghentikan waktu agar tak berkerja tergesa-gesa dan menghamba dalam dada agar lebih lama dapat melihat wajah orang yang kau cinta. Menurutku, pintu masuk menuju ruang tunggu ini adalah tempat yang suci, dimana gravitasi menjadikan air mata setiap orang jatuh di titik yang sama, dimana doa dan kecup bersenyawa, dan... harusnya ayah dan ibu ada disana. Selama empat tahun berturut-turut dan pulang dua kali dalam setahun, mereka selalu di sana.

Kali ini aku hanya menjadi penonton, bukan pelaku sebagaimana biasanya. Entah sudah berapa kali aku menyesali kejadian lima jam yang lalu yang membuatku tak mampu menahan diri. Tak ada tangan Ibu yang permukaannya kasar tergerus air cucian baju dan pembersih lantai, tak ada tangan ayah yang ruas jarinya terpahat kuat seperti kulit kayu yang termakan usia, dan tak ada senyum adik di wajah polosnya yang menyimbolkan surga.

Kali ini aku hanya menjadi penonton, bukan pelaku sebagaimana biasanya. Kecuali untuk satu hal yang ini, yang selalu sama. Ruang tunggu bandara dan dada yang sesak seakan jantung bergantian memproduksi air mata lalu tumpah sejadi-jadinya.

“Perhatian-perhatian. Pesawat dengan nomor penerbangan JT 208 tujuan Jakarta ditunda keberangkatannya sampai ada pemberitahuan lebih lanjut”

Apakah ini karena banjir yang semena-mena? Atau kemarahan ayah dan ibu yang dijawab Tuhan melalui langit perkasa?
                                                                                                ***

February 5, 2014

Raungan Sebuah Deru


Aku meringkuk beku di bawah dedaunan mawar yang berembun karena diserang hujan yang tidak kelelahan berpesta sepanjang fajar. Petir bersahut-sahutan tak mau kalah memaksa langit untuk terlihat megah. Hai langit, apakah engkau tak lelah menangisi bumi sepanjang waktu? Jangan kau ikut tangisi aku wahai langit, karena kepergian Ibuku beberapa jam yang lalu diterkam oleh sebuah deru dan bercahaya seperti petir yang kilaunya baru saja menjentik mataku. Beberapa jam yang lalu, Ibu tak pernah membiarkanku merasa dingin sedikitpun, tubuhnya yang hangat membuatku merasa menjadi makhluk paling bahagia yang pernah ada. Beberapa jam yang lalu, Ibu tak pernah meninggalkanku atau membiarkan aku kekurangan susu yang tak pernah habis dari empat pasang putingnya yang hanya untukku. Aku bahkan tak pernah ingat dimana saudara-saudaraku yang pernah berada di pelukan ini bersamaku.

Beberapa jam yang lalu, Ibu terkujur kaku tanpa air mata dan ronta. Hanya ada darah dan bau Ibu. Aku menjilati tubuh itu sambil meminta janji Tuhan atas sekian nyawa yang masih Dia sisakan buat Ibu. Tapi tak ada, aku tak lagi punya Ibu.  Pada titik ini, aku seperti gila. Pada titik ini, aku tidak mengerti antara aku dan Ibu, siapa yang meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan. Dalam raunganku yang tak henti, aku melihat senyum Ibu yang memintaku pergi. Dan dalam hitungan detik, tubuh Ibu tercabik terlindas sebuah deru lagi. Hingga wajahnya tak lagi kukenali.

Rasa sakit seperti mengoyak perutku. Aku menderita lapar yang hebat. Aku bersenandung untuk menyembunyikan rasa sakit dan luka. Mungkin seperti ini rasanya akan mati, batinku. Dalam senandungku, sehelai daun mawar menyapa ujung hidungku.

“Bersenandunglah lebih keras!”, katanya.

“Tuan Daun, apa kau juga kedinginan? Aku tak mengerti maksudmu. Aku ingin mati saja”

“Tidak, karena hujan adalah cara alam membelaiku. Dan rasa dingin ini adalah wujud Tuhan memelukku. Bersenandunglah! Lebih keras! Percayalah padaku, kau akan menemukan keajaiban”

Aku melakukan apa yang Tuan Daun minta, tak lebih untuk menyenangkan dia yang sepertinya terhibur dengan suaraku yang penuh duka. Keras sekali, sangat keras. Aku terus bersenandung, menantang petir, mengenang Ibu hingga aku parau dan tergeletak lemah.

Sepasang tangan mengangkatku. Tangan itu sangat hangat. Dan baunya seperti bau kami, seperti bau Ibu. Siapa itu? Apakah itu malaikat yang akan menjemput nyawaku?

Aku terbangun dengan selimut membungkus, tubuhku yang hitam sudah bersih dari lumpur, dan dua pasang mata menatapku bahagia.
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