December 31, 2013

These are To Do :)

So, i've just dealt with stupid procrastination in the post What To Do. Okay, let me assume it as an excuse with doing contemplation. But super long contemplation is lame, sooo lame. So i push myself to do internal attrition - a movement that comes from internal locus of control.

I started my day by going to bookstore and read some books on the spot. I was just too picky to buy recent trend books which seem not worth it to have. And, yay, I finished reading a book titled 'Perempuan' by Quraish Shihab. It contained three main topics: daily moslemah life, marriage, and raising children. I thought it was very good for my self development (okay, be honest, to know more about marriage) and realizing that Islam really loved women.

I also had chance to crave for Hoka hemat in December, yay. You know, Hoka Bento is quite expensive these days, because of new pattern and new strategy, so i do miss Hoka Hemat. But December is... now gone :/

December 30, 2013

Patahan #80

"Jagalah sholatmu, ketika kau kehilangannya, kau akan kehilangan yang lainnya" -Umar Bin Khattab.



Such a reminder. It slaps me a lot.

December 29, 2013

Di Balik Kata 'Resolusi'

Kali ini mau iseng mengulas satu kata yang selalu marak terdengar di penghujung tahun, yaitu resolusi. Saat sedang menyusun script dan mencari tahu tentang makna kata ini, ada satu hal yang membuat saya tergelitik. Berdasarkan Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia (KBBI), resolusi adalah sebuah kata benda yang artinya putusan atau kebulatan pendapat berupa permintaan atau tuntutan yg ditetapkan oleh rapat (musyawarah, sidang); pernyataan tertulis, biasanya berisi tuntutan tentang suatu hal. Sebagai contoh: rapat akhirnya mengeluarkan suatu resolusi yang akan diajukan kepada pemerintah. Oleh karena itu, secara singkat definisi resolusi dalam bahasa Indonesia hanya terbatas sebagai risalah rapat, bukan tekad atau harapan yang selama ini diartikan oleh banyak orang.

Lalu, penggunaan kata resolusi dalam praktik berbahasa sehari-hari  ini menjadi salah? Hmmm, mari kita lihat dulu dari asal kata atau terminologinya. Kata resolusi berasal dari bahasa latin yang memiliki akar kata resolucioun, resolution yang masih serumpun dengan kata resolve dan memiliki pengertian a breaking into parts, process of reducing things into simpler forms, yang asal katanya adalah solving namun dalam hal menyelesaikan soal matematika. Sedangkan resolucioun sendiri memiliki arti the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. (Tindakan penyelesaian atau penentuan berdasarkan suatu tindakan atau tindakan, metode, prosedur, dll).

Dilihat dari definisinya baik secara istilah dan terminologi, maka penggunaan kata resolusi telah mengalami perluasan di masyarakat. Kata resolusi yang pada awalnya hanya digunakan sebagai permintaan atau tuntutan oleh rapat, kini diterapkan sebagai permintaan atau tuntutan yang diajukan kepada diri sendiri. Dilihat dari asal katanya, revolve dipandang lebih tepat untuk menggantikan kata resolve karena mengandung makna revolusi atau perubahan. Namun, menurut saya, apapun istilah yang dipakai, baik resolusi, revolusi, tekad, target, sasaran, maupun harapan, yang paling penting adalah bagaimana komitmen setiap pribadi untuk mencapai dan merealisasikannya.

Nah, selain definisi, ada satu hal lagi yang membuat saya mengernyitkan dahi. Berdasarkan Wikipedia, Resolusi Tahun Baru merupakan sebuah tradisi dimana seseorang berjanji untuk melakukan tindakan perbaikan diri yang dimulai pada tahun baru. Asal dari tradisi resolusi ini dimulai dari zaman Babilonia kuno dan bangsa Romawi, juga ada beberapa pandangan agama yang mendasarinya dan bisa dilihat di sini atau di sini.

Hmmm, bagaimana? *mengernyit* Berkaca dari sejarahnya, semoga niat mulia kita dalam mencita-citakan perbaikan dan kebaikan di setiap tahunnya tidak menjadi salah kaprah ya. Wallahu a'lam bis-shawab :)

Bismillah! :)

December 27, 2013

Heart Medication (1)

When heart starts to feel cold, Allah always has ways to make me back to gratitude.

I just met an old woman standing confusedly with her walker beside a crowded road across Bintaro Plaza. She looked at me and said, "Are you going across, dear?"

"Yes, ma'am". I nodded.

"Please, help me to go there with you"

I held her hand and asked, "Are you alone, ma'am? It's so dangerous. What will you do there?"

"Thank you, dear. Yes, I am. I stop by here to buy some breads for my grandchildren. I remember them. They love breads..."

"How sweet. Take care, ma'am"

And we separated. I kept watching her from behind to make sure that she walked in a right direction. She stood carefully with her walkers and chose the breads.

.
.
.


It really broke my heart. That old woman... she reminded me to my grand mother. For me, it's a kind of heart medication. Do you feel happier and life is more meaningful when you can help people? Help people, and you will be helped.

Thanks Allah for your reminder ♡

December 26, 2013

What To Do?

December feels like the longest month ever in 2013 while November has run too fast. It seems I start to miss my activities. I miss things that I used to hate. Pressure. So it's true, we need pressure in balanced dose to make us keep moving, right? The mid-test will come soon, but hell yeah deadliners, I haven't made any meaningful move to prepare. What does I miss? Pressure, adrenaline, and... people! Told you, being alone and having abundant me time will kill you slowly. Let me call it as GUILTY PLEASURE. Me time is nothing if compared whom you can share with right?

I find another theory, it is similar with thermodynamics law: energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed. It can be applied in human being. We transfer energy to one and another. When we are in good environment, we are gonna have good mood and big energy to solve the things together. But how about when we are in bad environment? Are we strong enough to be a trigger without being tarnished? Or when we are a single fighter, are we tough enough to create the energy that inspire everyone? And it's me. My energy is growing when I see people around doing the same things. My energy is awake when I am supported and I have targets. I hate dealing with solitude. I remember when my brother came here to accompany me last year. I just can't wait to teach the kids, meet my friends coming back from home, and realize that I'm not alone in this boarding house, and yeaaaah I love to see that scene and my energy will be loaded!

I have a lot of dreams these nights. Most are about people whom I love. I even have dream about the assignment that I really can't understand until today. I dream the lecturer, friends, and me doing normalization and relational database that actually fail me and the class. It's a nightmare. Even in the day, it's still a nightmare. And then, I dream walking with my mom. Sometimes it's annoying to be an overthinking and emotionally dependent person like me :(

I spent the days with escaping, sight-seeing, visiting my newlywed best friend's house (I miss her so much), treating myself ice cream and Big Ben puzzle, and hunting the gifts. I went to more than three places in a day to get a gift, but I couldn't find it. I was upset, so I bought something else, surely he needed it someday. I woke up early in December 24 to get him surprise, hid in restaurant beside his office waiting and pretending to enjoy my breakfast (junk food in the morning, bad!) and asked him to come. Happy birthday my December man, hope Allah bless you and love you more ♡♡♡

so close :)

What else? I watched five movies that successfully make me cry in December. What are they? Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, The Company Men, We Bought A Zoo, and The Korean Movie - The Classic. Oh my God, the movies are awesome! I don't give any review here because I realize I'm not an objective person in reviewing things (especially if it can touch my feelings and make me cry), but give a try! Unfortunately, I didn't finish any new book this month (text books are excluded)!

Still, I miss doing something real. I miss some walking. Can we, please?

December 25, 2013

Mister Vitamin

And I have no idea how I can be emotionally dependent with this person. Maybe because we are just much different each other. Like chocolate and peanut butter, it makes me complete and normal. I couldn't imagine if i were with somebody like me, because i do know how boring and complicated i can be.

And i have no idea how i can turn to be common girl without lot of pretending and tears. Wouldn't it be nice to have somebody that you can share with any moments maybe about being hugged in your dream, your random story in the morning, your hate and love in something, songs you just sing, stupid selfie you just take, your passion and fear, or about snacks that you've just shopped for hectic night and lazy evening?

It is perfect - to have someone that you can either rely on to help and to hold, to lead and to say that I'm wrong, to support and to love, and  ignore me somehow to push me stay dependent and strong. Yes, it is - to have someone to argue each other but end it with 'how' and laugh. Yes, it is - to make planning together, to have vision, to deal with 'i want to see you' but he has more important things to do, to accept imperfection, not to be  romantic and pathetic, to surprise with hardwork and real proofs, which make me pretty sure that I'm ready with this.

And i have no idea how he turns to be my vitamin through these rough days. Because i feel alive and problems seem lighter. And he is one of my reasons trying to be better.

In my deepest heart, I'd like to present "Thank you for your kindness and your patience, and sorry for disturbing your day, every day with my routine call and messages, stories, 'i am not slim', 'give me more attention', or 'when?'. I just don't have somebody that i can trust until this peak point".

My big gratitude to Allah with prayers that connect every heart more than anything in the world can do.

December 22, 2013

Masih Tentangmu, Ibu

"Malam ini tidurlah bersama Ibu"

Dan kebiasaan itu berlanjut di setiap kesempatan Tuhan mengizinkanku untuk pulang. Tak pernah ada alasan yang lebih baik untuk kembali selain menemuimu, Ibu.

Dan di pelukanmu itu, waktu membeku. Aku rindu hangatmu, aku rindu aromamu, aku rindu napasmu, aku rindu cintamu. Ibu.

Dan pada setiap doa, di usiaku yang tak lagi remaja, namaku ada di setiap sujudmu yang utama. Berharap kebaikan yang bahkan tak pernah terpikirkan oleh si empunya diri untuk hidupnya. Ibu.

Dan pada setiap penantian dering telpon untukmu, Ibu, kau menunggu satu jam yang berharga itu. Lalu bertanya ini itu, makan apa hari ini dan apa saja aktivitasku. Kau mendengar dengan antusias dan penuh rindu. Berkata pula Ibu, baik-baiklah selalu. Jangan bersedih, Allah selalu menjagamu.

Dan pada setiap hari ulang tahunmu, Ibu, kau menerima hadiah itu dengan hati tersipu-sipu. Padahal Ibu, tidak ada satu pun yang kulakukan yang dapat menggantikan ketulusanmu Ibu.

"Ibu, apa yang paling engkau inginkan?"

"Tak ada yang lebih aku inginkan, selain kebahagianmu"

"Ibu, peluk aku Ibu"

"Aku memelukmu seumur hidupmu, anakku. Apakah kau merasakannya sekarang?"




- Terima kasih Ibu. Selamat hari Ibu.

December 21, 2013

Where is Home?

The holiday has been coming! The mid-test is also waiting couple days after the new year. Wow, 2013 is almost over, what have I actually done for this year? Not much, I thought. But I always believe, we should appreciate every little accomplishment that we did. Every little one that might bring us to something big. Every little one that might be another dream and we are not grateful about it. I like to make simple therapy: when 'present me' thanks to 'past me' for doing the tough things and going through the hard days, I know that there is nothing useless. Experience and hard work never betray. It just needs right time to prove it :')

My lecturers said that we should enjoy this holiday to the fullest. Why? Because the load of assignments will be tighter and we need fresh energy to face the things. It feels like it's just the moment when I really understand about lesson that I used to learn: about the economy system and its influence to the country, or about the philosophy of the science (I love knowing the philosophy!). When papers attack, my therapy is also simple. If I used to write these, it would be easy for me to study in U.K. What an overrated dream :( but it works for me. Because what is impossible for Allah? Nothing, right? :)

I don't go home for this holiday. You know, when silence come like this -because everyone in my boarding house has come home- it makes me lose appetite and desire to do things. I just stare at my notebook, listen to the rain, and call my mom. I think I should be used to with this. Let me tell you, in the first grade of diploma three, I just came home twice. My first flight was mess, Adam Air got bankrupt, I lost my money, and I should change the flight. I felt guilty to my parents and I learned to choose the flight carefully. Because safety is also important, right? And in the second and third grade, I just came home once a year. Even in my third grade, I didn't celebrate Eid with my parents because the graduation day would be held a month after it, so I should make priority. What did I do during my holiday? I taught. I collected money by being private tutor. I stayed in my aunt's house. I walked alone to some place in Jakarta. But those experience really made me strong. Yes, I am. Then, I start to work and I can be financially independent, I can go home for three and four times a year. Besides, duty allows me to fly for free. Now, I think I just need to handle my feelings of being lonely and focus to priority. You really know what you want to take after this, right? :) Just be patient, icha. Man shabara zhafira. They who are patient, will be lucky.

For me, home does not always mean place. Home is an environment. I believe that everyone needs certain people to be his/her home. Certain people that can make us peaceful and being accepted. That's why home is where the heart belongs to. My family, my best friend, and him are my home. Blame me because I'm a queen of jealousy if it is related to them. It's not easy for me to find friends who accept me whatever I am, without only looking at my strength, but also my weakness. Sometimes it's tiring when I should be perfect and initiative, and it makes me really happy when I can meet him and I can say "I'm tired" or "I'm sad" and he treats me like a common girl. I am normal. I love that. I hate when people feel shy to let me involved or join something fun. I envy to them who have friends that really loyal and support each other. I miss having friends to play, to hang out, not only friends in purpose. Everyone has their own family and their own business. I love the concept of having allies. That's why when I have best friend, I will keep my trust in them. I'm afraid to lose them. And it makes me tend to be lonely somehow.

Don't blame me, okay? :)

December 12, 2013

The Perks of Being Deadliner

I've been very moody these days. Assignments come and go, and sometimes i really need pressure and stable mood to make them accomplished. When my brain -like the engine- has been warm, i can do it fast and everything runs well. I just need to make my engine warm, and I can spend some nights without enough sleep.

I need my vitamin to make me stay sane. What is my vitamin? My mother's voice and his call. Knowing there are some persons who care about me is thing that I should be grateful most. Is it beautiful when we realize we have the real supporters in our life? And finally, here come prayers. When there is nobody who stays beside us, we always have Allah. Allah is the best listener, ever.

And what's worse than having a writing block? Script block. The assignments flooded and my imagination stopped. I didn't have any idea until 2 hours before broadcasting. I forced my brain to think and my fingers to type - and 30 minutes before it should be released, it's done. Sometimes I need pressure, but sometimes it makes me really stressful and tiring. Adrenaline rushes!

What else did I miss? I missed two writing events in these two months. One was fairy tale competition by birokreasi, and another was essay competition from Pekan Mahasiswa STAN. Growing up makes me understand reality rather than imagination. I failed to write the fairy tale in the first page.

Maybe this is the difference between writing for passion and escape. When it is your passion, you have consistency. No matter how hard time goes, you always have reason to write. But when it is only about your escape, it's over.

And in this point, I realize. I just write for an escape.

December 5, 2013

A Mask

My best friend, Oselva just came from Medan. She stayed for a night in my room. She knew that I had random habit to sleep on the floor when I could not handle my sleepiness. She woke me up and then we had some girls talk that I really missed those days. She said:

"We work, we meet a lot of people, we smile, and we wear our mask all day. Yes, all day. It's tiring somehow. That's why when we go back home, we can take a deep breath because we have them - who still want to be with us whoever we are - without any certain mask. In this point, I know that family and marriage have become a good idea"

In this point, I know either that family and marriage have become a good idea.

November 23, 2013

Cat in The Rain

"Anyway, I want a cat", she said. "I want a cat. I want a cat now. If i can't have long hair or any fun, I still have a cat"

-a line from short story Cat in The Rain by Ernest Hemingway. This story symbolized a lot of things like loneliness, ignorance, ego, and rigid married life. 

And sometimes what women need is as simple as what she said.

November 22, 2013

Senja, dan yang Berlabuh

Seorang gadis kecil berkepang dua masih termenung menatap senja di pelabuhan. Kapal yang membawa ibunya menjelma titik, kecil semakin kecil lalu hilang. Sekejap lalu dia masih mengecup tangan sang ibu, dan menuruti pesan agar tak menangis.

"Ibu pergi hanya untuk dua minggu. Ibu pun rindu dengan Ibu"

"Ibu tidak rindu denganku?"

"Ibu merindukanmu dan mendoakanmu di setiap detak jantung dan deru napas ibu. Jadi anak yang mandiri ya. Jangan repotkan ayah selalu"

Tepat lima hari setelah ibu pergi. Gadis itu sudah rindu. Rindu seluruh yang dipunyai ibu. Rindu tangan ibu yang senantiasa menyisir rambutnya dan menepuk-nepuk pahanya saat akan tertidur.

"Ibu lihatlah aku bisa sisir rambut sendiri...", gumamnya sambil terisak pelan.

***

Seorang ibu berkerudung jingga masih termenung menatap senja di bandara. Pesawat yang membawa gadisnya menjelma titik, kecil semakin kecil lalu hilang. Sekejap lalu gadis itu masih mengecup tangannya, dan menuruti pesannya agar tak menangis.

"Baik-baik ya disana anakku"

"Doakan aku ibu"

"Ibu mendoakanmu di setiap detak jantung dan deru napas ibu. Jadi anak yang berhasil ya. Makan teratur dan jangan bersedih selalu"

Tepat lima hari setelah gadisnya pergi. Dia menatap foto-foto di dinding ruang tamu.

"Waktu cepat sekali berlalu. Aku rindu menyisir rambutmu itu...", gumamnya sambil terisak pelan.



-November 10. Happy birthday, Mama.

November 21, 2013

I Love My Cornea

I've been a user and fan of softlenses since six years ago. They really help me to replace my glasses and fix my sight. Yes, precisely, to fix my confidence. I know wearing them everyday is not good, but i still ignore the advice.

Let me give some conditions, when i was in office or in class and the air conditioner was so cold - it could make the eyes dry and the lens covered the cornea from getting enough oxygen, or when the heat of sun attacked - it could melt the lens and hurt the eyes. Another one, when i was in public transportation or motorcycle, then dust, polluted air came by - my eyes  weren't protected well and the lens made the situation worse.

Though the discomfort often happened, but i still didn't stop. The maximum usage for a day was 8 hours, but i extended it until more than 12 hours and the worst part, yes... i fell asleep. I still wore them when i slept. What a big mistake! This careless habit often happened unpurposely :( Sometimes when i woke up the eyes were red and itchy, because the lenses scratched the eyes when i slept. I still didn't care because in the morning they used to be good soon.

Until in one morning, here came a moment, i got trouble in my eyes. I fell asleep again when i wore lens, aaaand the eyes were red like getting punched, i couldn't see the light, they always made tears when i tried to look to the front. I also got flu. I knew something wrong, and i should go to doctor :(

First, let me tell you why i hate glasses. I wore glasses when i was seven years old. I needed minus two lenses. It really made me shocked. My friends and my cousins often bullied me and called me old. I was embarassed and didn't want to wear them outside the house. I grew up and when i was ten, it was worse, minus two increased to be five. So the feeling of being bullied continued until senior high school. Nobody actually really wanted to like me because i was nerd and ugly.

Okay, back to the present. Yesterday, i went to doctor in sector 4 Bintaro. My boyfriend picked me up and he was mad because i ignored the advice and hurt myself :( Doctor said my corneas were injured, and i should stop wearing lens for a while, not extend it more than 8 hours, and always washed my hands if i needed to touch the lens. She gave me Floxa Ofloxacin and Cenfresh, the liquid medicine used to fix ans rebuild the cornea by dropping them to eyes regularly. She also gave me vitamin to help the impuls of sight system. I used to be dizzy sometimes :/

So, this post is a therapy. I am an adult and i promise to myself to keep my sight properly. One of the greatest gifts Allah gives to me :(

I love my glasses. I really love myself wearing those glasses ♡

So, readers, please love your body, love yourself. You will not get the second chance to turn back time when you lose it. And, remember this: the person who really loves you will always love you just the way you are :)

"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

November 20, 2013

Don't Beg for Understanding

"There came peak moments. I was pregnant and I still had to do my tasks until midnight. I knew it was hard. But it was my choice to have that job. Here is the thing that you should know to be a woman. Being a woman must be tough, and our responsibility is doubled from men's. Because i am woman and i am pregnant, it doesn't mean i should beg for understanding from others. Don't beg for understanding. I am the only one who must understand how to adjust myself. Because everything is my choice"


-a beautiful point from my lecturer, Mrs. Aisyah. Yes, don't blame people for the things that we are commited to choose right? :)

November 18, 2013

A Long Road

"Yeaaah! It's been three years!"

"Wow, it's quite long like taking credit payment of motorcycle"

"What? Oh well..."

"I am afraid to lose you. I promise we will make it through soon"



-I am afraid to lose you too. You've been my happiness and home. Can't wait for another path. Bless us, Allah.

November 11, 2013

Movember ~

Hiatus attacked! It's quite long that i didn't write. Assignments flooded but i think it should not be excuse :(

So what happens these days? November is comiiing. It feels this is the month that i actually move. My spirit comes back. I always realize that i'm a person who's quite difficult to accept things. But when time goes on, i know these are what i should be and what i should do. I think it is the beauty of being adult, we learn to be responsible to consequences that we are commited to.

Aaaand.... i'm also getting older! Time flies and i even don't realize it's my chance to be 24. It's Nov 7 and I'm officially 24! Alhamdulillah. I'm very grateful with the opportunities and love Allah gives to me. My dad waited not to sleep until 12 pm to send me wishful message for his daughter. I cried because dad was the first person who sent me prayers that day :') Then in the dawn my dormmate Ai and Mbak Elle knocked the door and surprised me with birthday cake. Sweet. My friend, ummi who stayed for two nights in my room to follow Advanced Diploma test in STAN joined to treat surprise. Yes i did miss my girlfriends.

My boyfriend came in the morning and picked me up thought i hadn't taken a bath :( we had porridge chicken for breakfast and he gave me a gift. I was so happy to see his face in that morning and his willingness to give me his time :'). My brother and my mom also called me, i loved their prayers. They made me wanna go home soon.

Totally, i got four cakes that day. From my doormate, from my friends of another class, from STAN English Club, and from ummi, she gave me a cute winnie the pooh cake. My best friend Osel sent me a cute t-shirt from Medan. Thank you for all of your prayers. May Allah bless you. Thank you :')


What is another move? I learn to be extroverted introvert. It's nice to meet a lot of people. I dare to do what i think i can't. I learned to coach my juniors. And i joined another voluntary committee in Reuni Akbar STAN when my friends asked me to help to be an additional MC in the last minutes. Thought i just spoke some short sentences in the opening but i was very satisfied that i could do it.

Happy movember all!

October 31, 2013

My Own Therapy: Professional Judgment

Jika saya sedang banyak menulis, atau memilih menulis dalam 'bahasa' berarti tulisan ini dipersembahkan dalam rangka terapi. Pikiran saya memang sering mengawang-awang, dan saat tak mungkin menemukan telinga setia yang bisa mendengar, maka blog ini pun jadi korban :)

Let me explain, di usia saya yang sudah menjelang 24, saya malu karena masih saja sering mengawang-awang. Ketika teman-teman yang lain sudah menghasilkan karya yang matang, tulisan yang bijak, or steps ahead,  post about marriage, pregnancy or raising a baby, i'm still busy thinking about random things... so readers, mohon pemaklumannya yah :(

Saya suka 'membaca' orang lain. It means, saya suka memperhatikan kepribadian orang lain dan belajar mengerti. Saat diam saya senang memperhatikan lalu lalang. Saya suka bertanya pada diri sendiri "kenapa ini" dan "kenapa itu". Saya juga suka mengingat, pencemburu, keras kepala, moody, susah move on, dan pecinta kenangan. Penyuka hal detil, obsessive compulsive pada detil, as a prove, saya menggambar pohon apel dengan detil daun-daun kecil memenuhi seluruh rantingnya saat psikotes. Sometimes being like that is good, but sometimes it makes you overthinking and left behind...

Satu hal yang saya yakini adalah: treat people as the way you want to be treated. Terdengar klise, klise sekali, especially living in this skeptical era. But here the things, contohnya, saat presentasi saya ingin didengarkan, maka saya pun harus mendengarkan dengan antusias. Saya ingin diberi excuse, maka saya pun harus memahami excuse orang lain. Saat susah, saya pasti butuh bantuan orang, saya juga harus membantu. Saya tidak ingin disakiti pasangan saya, maka saya pun tidak akan menyakiti dia. Istilahnya berempati, salah satu nilai tertinggi setelah kejujuran dan respect menurut saya.

And whatever people do to you, or treat differently in your back, or hate you with no clear reason, it's not your business, it's theirs. Setiap orang dibesarkan dengan nilai yang berbeda-beda, dan kita memang tidak bisa mengubah orang lain. Like Maya Angelou said, “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.”

How about the title in this post? Lagi suka sama frase itu. Bahkan auditor, akuntan, dan hakim juga punya professional judgement yang berbeda-beda. And what i believe is i try not to judge people though sometimes i need it not to mark others but to make sure what really fits me or not.

Dan berusahalah untuk selalu punya tempat yang disebut rumah. Ketika hal-hal membuatmu kecewa, hatimu selalu punya tempat kembali dan menemukan kebahagiaanmu sendiri. Juga agar tidak berharap selain kepada-Nya ♥

October 30, 2013

They Call Me Bed Rest :D

It's funny when my friends know me better as Farisa Badres or chabadres rather than Farisa Noviyanti. I laughed when seeing name in the attendance list of an event written as Badres, though it's actually not my official name either in birth certificate or diploma XD That name was replaced and hidden because my parents thought it would be difficult for me to get job or to have administrative services. As if they knew, yes, I really love that name :D

I purposely introduced myself in public with Badres because i wanted to introduce my family name. I was born in Medan, indirectly gifted in Yemen Arabic blood from my grandpa, grandma, and both of my parents were even relatives. I got the Badres for them. 

It used to be difficult to define what ethnic group i was included :( i really didn't know, in elementary school when my friends could mention who they were, i was confused how to spot an Arabic... so i mentioned myself as Malay that time -___- and it still happens until today, I just mention myself as Medan people. I am pure and proud Indonesian. Arabic is only left in culture and blood, I don't know the language because we don't use it in daily life, and I don't have any close relatives more in that motherland.

Why i still use that name? Because that name is into the scarcity XD i mean the number of people own it is getting fewer so i want to raise the image. Furthermore, that name will disappear if i get married :/ we use patriarchy system so only boys will bring that name until they die.

So that's the random story :D

October 27, 2013

Tuan Rembulan

"Selamat malam tuan rembulan. Sampai saat ini aku masih dihantui dugaan, apa aku benar dengan memberimu sebutan tuan? Jangan-jangan nyonya, atau malah nona? Karena kau tak banyak bicara, dan menurutku itu ksatria, juga seorang penjaga, yang setia berada di tempatnya, maka kupanggil saja tuan. Karena apa yang kusesalkan jika kau bukan, yakni kuberitahu satu rahasia: aku sudah terlanjur jatuh cinta. Jika tuan tak suka, maka minggirlah dari jendelaku. Biarkan aku menatap bintang-bintang saja yang pijarnya tampak suntuk karena kantuk"

"Ah apa pun yang terjadi kau tetap akan pergi lalu mengintip dan pergi lagi. Lingkaran di kalenderku menunjukkan lima hari lagi kau akan meninggalkan langit. Dari purnama menjadi sabit lalu lenyap dan kembali pulang menjadi sabit. Siapa yang kau temui di sana tuan? Adakah gadis lain yang kau suka? Aku cemburu tuan. Jangan begitu"

"Tuan, duduklah sejenak, aku ingin bercerita. Berjanjilah untuk tidak membocorkan. Tapi sungguh, apa kau punya telinga tuan? Sia-sia bukan jika ceritaku memantul ke bimasakti lalu jatuh ke bumi dan dicuri pelangi? Ah konyol sekali"

"Hari ini aku lelah sekali. Aku dilanda sibuk hingga tidak tahu apa inti dari semua kesibukan yang terus saja kulakukan. Lalu aku kehabisan waktu. Kesempatan. Diri sendiri. Apa yang kukejar tuan? Pujian? Aktualisasi diri dan kemapanan? Aku kesepian tuan. Bahkan dalam keramaian. Saat suara manusia memekakkan telinga kiri kanan, berkumpul dan tertawa dalam satu ruang, aku tetap kesepian. Mereka terbahak, ya ya aku pun terbahak, lalu berlari pulang bercerita padamu sambil terisak"

"Apa aku aneh tuan? Kau bahkan tak menggeleng dan mengangguk pelan. Tapi tuan, terima kasih karena sudah senantiasa mendengarkanku. Aku merasa tenang dan nyaman. Dalam selimutku dan lapisan gorden yang memantulkan senyum cahayamu. Boleh aku sentuh dan aku simpan? Tak boleh? Sayang sekali. Semoga besok awan tak sedang bersedih dan hujan tak iri hati lalu mencipta tabir jarak yang membuatku tak bisa menatapmu"

"Suatu hari ceritakanlah aku tentang duniamu, tuan. Tentang apa yang kau lihat dari atas sana. Tentang mentari dan keindahannya. Apa kau juga kesepian dalam rotasimu?"

"Selamat tidur tuan rembulan. Teruslah mengintipku sepuasmu"

October 24, 2013

Simply Smile

Today i went to bookstore to find some stuff and kill the time. I found a cute Eiffel tower bookmark and pleasurably pass an inevitable corner. It was fulfilled with wrapping decorative things, dried flowers, pastel crayons, and watercolor.

My memory suddenly flew to years ago when my dad patiently took me to a course every weekend to learn painting, and he always did the best to save money to buy them for me (I still keep those crayons in my room, dad ♡)... but sadly it just stopped. One day in the future, i would accompany my child do drawing, coloring, and holding pencils with her/his little fingers. It would be nice. That imagination simply made me smile.

Then, on Oct 23 my juniors had been graduated. One of them was my dormmate. She was a lovely young sister for me. That night, she gave me a surprise in refrigerator - an ice cream, with a note above. It was just too sweet. It never failed me to create a smile and silently cry.


Being loved is amazing feeling, right?

What else? Too many, Rabb. Thank You. Thank You so much. Especially for the health and happiness that You give to my parents ♡

It was raining. I always believed that it was the best moment to say some prayers, every drop meant a blessing, and the angels guarded it. It was cold but i feel warmth when my mind came to you, and i said "see you when i see you".

Another smile happened.

October 23, 2013

Howie ♡

"Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist any more, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you"


A moment when Howard apologized to Bernadette in her flat via Penny (season 5 episode 22). I think it's still the most romantic line in Big Bang Theory ever. And it comes from Howie.

October 19, 2013

Pelesir (?)

Berdasarkan KBBI, definisi pelesir yang pertama adalah bersenang-senang atau mencari kesenangan. Artinya, pelesir bagi tiap orang bisa berbeda-beda, tidak harus selalu identik dengan berjalan-jalan. Karena tidak semua orang punya budget dan waktu yang mencukupi untuk itu. Sebagai contoh, pelesir bagi saya adalah dengan membaca buku atau bersantai di kamar tidak diganggu oleh rapat di akhir pekan. Bukankah itu sebuah bentuk bersenang-senang juga?

Semacam kontemplasi. Kata teman saya, lebih baik tuangkan semrawut dalam kepalamu dengan menulis saja. Sebagai mahasiswa juga harusnya lebih banyak waktu untuk menulis. Yah, kritik yang bagus teman! Atau kerja paruh waktu? Cari kesibukan di luar selain organisasi melulu pasti lebih menyenangkan :)

Lalu saya berpikir, ada baiknya juga untuk pelesir dengan bepergian ke suatu tempat. Tapi bukanlah sindrom pergi ke luar negeri dan menyerbu tiket murah yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini. Sepertinya belum waktunya. Pelesir kali ini dipersembahkan dalam rangka 'kondangan', kabur, dan menemukan diri sendiri. Maafkan saja, bukan orang yang karena kepentingan tertentu bisa konsisten melakukan hal yang tak disuka. Pasti tersiksa.

Memang benar ternyata bepergian bisa membantu menemukan diri sendiri, belajar toleransi, syukur, juga makna sebuah perjalanan. Bukan hanya foto-foto atau sekedar cari eksistensi. Saya selalu kagum dengan kak Hanny yang banyak melakukan perjalanan dari negara ke negara lalu menemukan sesuatu dan belajar banyak hal tentang jiwa dan persahabatan. Indah sekali. Selain itu, selalu ada note book atau buku catatan di tasnya. Dia menulis di sela-sela perjalanannya dengan tangannya. Ah, indah sekali :)

Di bulan Oktober ini ada banyak teman yang menikah, tapi hanya bisa hadir dua di antaranya, yakni Lia Putri di Cirebon dan kakak kesayangan Nur Halimah di Kebumen. Satu persatu sudah memasuki tahap kehidupan yang baru. Things change, priority changes.

Saya juga berkunjung ke Yogyakarta dan Semarang. Bertemu nenek dan keluarga ah menyenangkan sekali. Sudah lama tak pernah sesenang ini. Bisa menikmati Idul Adha di samping nenek, jadi teman tidur nenek selama beberapa hari, dan dengan senang hati makan tanpa merasa berat badan bertambah. Pada saat kepulangan dia sangat sibuk dan membawakan saya nasi agar tidak kelaparan. Ah tak pernah sanggup dengan hal-hal melankolis semacam ini.


Sepedaan di Simpang Lima 

Di bulan ini, saya juga menamatkan novel Norwegian Wood. Mungkin, ini adalah novel yang tidak akan saya baca lagi dalam waktu dekat.

October 10, 2013

Rindu yang Harus Ditahan Sendiri

Pukul satu tiga puluh tiga.

Kau terjaga.

Dia terbangun di sepertiga malam yang sama.

Seperti ada helaan hebat dalam dada. Air matamu di sini disambut doa dalam sujudnya di sana.

Dia pernah berkata bahwa waktu yang berlari cepat ini bagai neraka. Ingatkah kau saat masih dipangku belajar membaca? 

Kini melihatmu hanya jarang-jarang saja.

Karena bahagiamu adalah surga baginya.

Bahwa ini rindu yang harus ditahan sendiri?

"Tuhan, berjanjilah agar Kau menjaga dia"
 
Ini rindu mereka sama-sama.

...mama.

October 9, 2013

Self Note: Be Gentle with Yourself, Jangan Menyerah! :)

"Maka apabila kamu telah selesai (dari sesuatu urusan), kerjakanlah dengan sungguh-sungguh (urusan) yang lain" (QS. Ala-Insyirah : 7)


Harus punya pride dan menjadi gentle, selesaikan dan hadapi yang sudah dan harus dimulai, apapun itu.


"Ya Tuhanku, lapangkanlah untukku dadaku. Dan mudahkanlah untukku urusanku. Dan lepaskanlah kekakuan dari lidahku. Supaya mereka mengerti perkataanku" (QS. Ţāhā : 25-28)


... and I'm gonna make it, Rabb :)

October 8, 2013

Don't You See?

"Don't you see? It's just not possible for one person to watch over another person for ever and ever. I mean, say we got married. You'd have to go to work during the day. Who's going to watch over me while you're away? Or say you have to go on a business trip, who's going to watch over me then? Can I be glued to you for every minute of our life? What kind of equality would there be in that? What kind of relationship would that be? Sooner or later you'd get sick of me? You'd wonder what you were doing with your life, why you were spending all your time babysitting this woman. I couldn't stand that. It wouldn't solve any of my problems."

My favorite dialogue from Naoko to Toru Watanabe in Norwegian Wood, a novel written by Haruki Murakami. Thanks to Ai who lends me her novel for rejoicing my holiday :)

***

Yes, can you just stay here, stay close to me every day?

Please.

October 7, 2013

Sebuah Opini: Membaca Perempuan

Membaca adalah salah satu cara yang paling juara untuk mencegah laci pikiran berdebu dan sudut pandang menyempit. Memberanikan diri untuk membaca berbagai genre akan membuat kita lebih bijaksana untuk melihat segala fenomena, juga tidak melulu merasa paling benar, dan membuka mata bahwa inilah yang pernah terjadi di masa lalu, di negara seberang, atau masuk ke dalam kehidupan orang lain dan merasakan transformasi menjadi dirinya.

Tapi tetaplah, dalam menjalani apapun termasuk membaca, kita semua butuh pijakan sehingga tidak membuat kita terbang ketinggian tergiring oleh opini si penulis atau tak tersadarkan secara batin yang masih melekat dahsyat dengan fantasi dan tokoh yang digulirkan oleh penulis.

Sudah cukup lama tergelitik untuk mengambil benang merah baik dari peran dan tema perempuan dari novel yang pernah saya baca. Tentu saja bukan sebagai kritikus fiksi, bukan pula sebagai pemerhati sastra yang cukup ilmunya - tapi murni dari sisi pembaca, sebagai perempuan :)

Tema perempuan seringkali erat kaitannya dengan isu sentral gender seperti feminisme, ketidakberdayaan, prostitusi, eksploitasi, dan objek seksualitas. Membaca fakta-fakta yang dijabarkan ini sangat menyedihkan dan menyakitkan, sebagai perempuan ikut merasa tidak aman dan yah memang begitulah yang terjadi di berbagai dunia, tak kenal era, bahkan di era modern sekarang sekalipun. Nilai perempuan semata diukur dari kemolekan tubuhnya seakan hanya itu yang dapat dia tawarkan dalam hidup. Tak sedikit pula yang menerima dengan senang hati peran itu. Namun di balik 'rendahnya' posisi perempuan dalam fiksi-fiksi tersebut selalu ada benang merah yang bisa ditarik, bahwa pada akhirnya sang tokoh mempunyai kekuatan untuk bangkit.

Sebut saja beberapa novel di antaranya kasus Lolita complex dalam novel Lolita oleh Vladimir Nabokov, kisah Sultana dalam The Princess yang berlatar negara Arab Saudi, kisah prostitusi dan perdagangan anak di Kamboja dalam The Road of Lost Innocence oleh Somaly Mam, peran Diva dalam KPBJ, atau peran Nyai Ontosoroh dalam tetralogi Pram - salah satu tokoh fiksi idola saya. Bahwa isu gender dan eksploitasi menjadi titik sentral, dimana penderitaan, kehilangan diri, dan kedukaan itu mendorong mereka untuk lari dan berjuang dari ketiadaannya. Sebagai pembaca, saya selalu ikut merasa pedih mengetahui bahwa inilah yang terjadi pada perempuan, hal itu terjadi secara global. Bahkan di dalam fiksi sekalipun perempuan terlalu sering mendapat tempat demikian.

Mungkin tak lain dan tak bukan, peran yang dijabarkan itu menjadi sebuah pembelajaran atau juga cambukan atau malah sekedar hiburan?

Selain novel-novel di atas, saya juga pernah mencoba membaca novel karya dua penulis idealis feminis seperti Ayu Utami dan Djenar Maesa Ayu yang banyak mengangkat isu-isu kontroversial yang tabu seperti kemerdekaan seksual - atau populer dengan istilah sastrawangi. Jujur saja, saya pernah mencoba membaca Nayla atau Mereka Bilang Saya Monyet dan beberapa review tentang Saman, dan hanya sanggup berpindah pada beberapa halaman depan... karena pedih. Tak sanggup. Seperti bertolak dari hal-hal yang menjadi nalar saya sebagai perempuan dan ini bukan pijakan saya.

Mengapa novelis feminis bahkan menjadikan perempuan sebagai objek seksualitas yang menjadi generator dalam karyanya? Atau saya yang kurang ilmu lalu salah mengerti?

Patahan #79

No matter how hard you are trying to give up, loneliness will always be everyone's best friend. Sometimes you hate it and let people gather around you, and make a lot of excuses to understand them - though you know it hurts to see how annoying it is. But, sometimes you close all doors to the outside world, shut access down to your phone, and let solitude relieve you.

Is it tiring to keep lying to yourself like that?  Pretend that you like it while your heart and brain feel so inferior and keep digging hole to find any kind of escapes to go away from those stuffs? The worst part is you still do things because you are afraid of those people, not because you really want to, or at least you are obliged to do so.

***

Bisakah kita punya kesempatan untuk memilih dengan hati lapang, menyelesaikan urusan masing-masing, dan berteman saja dengan tenang?

October 6, 2013

Self Note: Pada Dasarnya Begitulah Hidup

Pada dasarnya begitulah hidup. Yang harus kau khawatirkan adalah dirimu sendiri. Hidup adalah menjadi lebih baik hari ini dari kemarin. Hidup adalah proses menjadi bisa dari tidak bisa.

Ayah selalu bilang kenapa kau perlu belajar dan melakukan hal-hal dengan jujur? Bukan untuk lebih baik dari yang lain. Manusia yang satu dan yang lain tidaklah dapat dibandingkan, hanya ada yang lebih beruntung atau tidak saja.

Ayah selalu bilang kenapa kau perlu belajar dan melakukan hal-hal dengan jujur? Bukan masalah nilai dan materi yang utama. Kau sangat perlu menghargai dirimu sendiri. Siapa lagi yang akan menghargai jika engkau saja semena-mena pada diri? Menjadi manusia adalah pembuktian. Bahwa diri ini mampu bertahan dan menjadi lebih baik dari hari kemarin. Tidak peduli orang lain mau bilang apa.

Karena musuh terbesar manusia adalah dirinya sendiri. Mengalahkan ego, kemalasan, dan ketakutan sendiri. Begitulah pembelajaran, begitulah hidup berjalan.

October 5, 2013

Escape from My Own Shell

It's been quite long that i haven't posted any thought in this blog since the post of article contributed to APEC 2013. Unfortunately i didn't get the chance, i couldn't be there because i was having final test that week. I was upset too, when they interviewed me, my phone had trouble :'(

My Prince William and blackberry were broken in the same time. When the committee asked me why i followed that writing competition, my deepest heart answered "because i need new phone, sir :(" *hammer*

So, how am i doing now? I'm doing good. Final tests have just ended. It's time to fix my sleeping hours and the black circles around my eyes. Holiday's also coming. Because of some reasons, i decide not to go home this month. I start to miss my family and my class mates.


I realize that i have some issues of being introverted. Sometimes all i need is just 'me time' or a hug. But i know that i need to go out from my own shell. It's quite challenging, i meet new friends, and feel happier. 

Sometimes my brain always says that "he or she doesn't like you" or "you are nothing to be here". But those all are wrong. It just happens in my brain :')

I started to join voluntary committee like academic conference in Oct 3, 2013. I was so excited because that event really motivated me and i met persons from my office and other offices. So who's ever said that having study assignment makes you lack from networking? I did say it. But it doesn't. Your point of view and circle are also widening.


I really miss coffee break session actually. I always love free food!

And have you known that STAN already has Radio? It is radio blast or blended as STANers. You can listen it by streaming in Radio Blast or from winamp application from your gadget, enter manually station on shoutcast with http://103.28.148.18:8508/ It was launched in Oct 1, 2013 and we will be on air every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday from 7 to 9 pm. Stay tuned guys :)


So how am i doing? I am doing good. The best part is i don't really feel deep loneliness anymore these days. Alhamdulillah :)

September 2, 2013

APEC CEO Summit 2013: The Young Generation, The Powerful Assets of Indonesia

Indonesia is going to be the host of APEC CEO Summit held in Bali on October 5-8, 2013. It is the perfect momentum that we should appreciate and support – as the people of Indonesia with any brilliant idea we have – to build the stronger foundation of economy in Indonesia. Joining APEC is powerful step taken by Indonesia which implements the independent and active foreign policy. I believe that it is a great opportunity for Indonesia to promote its competitive advantages, to enlarge the channel of positive investments between other countries in order to strengthen domestic productivity and domestic markets due to prepare the free trade markets and international competitiveness, and to solve the international problems related to economy crisis which can threaten every country either developed or developing one.

Furthermore, the brainstorming process conducted these days by APEC Business Advisory Council (ABAC) has been serious trigger for Indonesia to manage the dialogues among the private, public, and government sectors as the main triangle of economy systems and to produce the qualified framework of solutions to discuss in APEC CEO Summit 2013. The solutions have involved various layers of stakeholders so I believe the problems are reviewed from different point of views and can be accepted as the best solutions for Indonesia over interests of anyone. But, what becomes the most interesting thing? ABAC also gathers fresh thoughts and voices from the youth of Indonesia – treasures that used to be ignored – from this writing competition for instance.

Going toward the APEC CEO Summit 2013, Indonesia is going to carry three main priorities. They are achieving Bogor Goals, creating equality in sustainable development, and encouraging the connectivity. I believe that sustainable development can be approached by maintaining the equality between the APEC members and minimizing the gaps among the economy sectors from women, small and medium enterprises, friendly environment business, and innovation from the youth. So, what can we conclude from the statements above? Precisely, there is a clear relation between the role of youth and the priority that Indonesia sets.

September 1, 2013

So, This is Happiness

Happiness is...

When I visited my office and I met friends who greeted me with their smiles, I listened friendly words from my beautiful boss, I sat in my cubicle for a while, and I took crowded and delayed commuter line when I came home.

Happiness is...

When we decided to go to cinema without any planning, you still wore your uniform, and I still haunted with assignments. I felt recharged, and I could accomplish them sooner than I thought.

Happiness is...

When I wore your t-shirt when I got to sleep, and I wore my mom's cute blouse as her favourite when she was a girl, I felt close to both of you. I could feel it.

Happiness is...

The week with lack of sleep and lot of tasks were over. And I had a very good nap in the weekend.

Happiness is...

Being grateful and believe... let Allah do the rests. I believe You, Allah.

August 21, 2013

Patahan #78

Faidza azamta fatawakkal 'alallah, Innallaha yuhibbul mutawakkilin. (Al-Imran : 159)

 "...And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely."

Beautiful, right? ❤

When something feels so far away, so impossible to reach, so difficult to deal with, and I can't believe that I can do it... that verse strengthens me. Say what we need, tell our proposal, do our part, and let Allah do the rests, let us have faith to prepare ourselves receiving surprise from Allah.

Keep calm. Don't doubt, don't be afraid :)

***

By the way, this post-homesick syndrome is killing me. I didn't feel that way when I was in Diploma Three. I don't know why I am much weaker and tend to get lonely these days. I try to accomplish my assignments but my focuses fly everywhere. Please, start your engine, icha, run!

Then, I just get news that our cat has just passed away. Mom feels lonely at home so she has raised some cats and a hen as her friends. Mom cries a lot and misses her so much until she gets sick. Mom, don't be that sad... I wish there were magical door so I could have hugged her.

Virtual hugs will just give you virtual relief. I need real hugs. A lot of free 'pukpuk' to kick these random feelings.

Mom, why are your real hugs that expensive...? :(

August 20, 2013

Self Note: Apa Kabar Diri Sendiri?

Sepertinya sedang berada dalam masa transisi. Semacam dilanda post-homesick syndrome, kehilangan nafsu makan versus penyakit anak kosan males keluar beli makanan, atau merindukan seseorang secara berlebihan.

Ada benarnya bukan untuk selalu patuh pada nasihat bahwa segala yang berlebihan itu tidak baik?

Lagi males sama urusan kepanitiaan atau organisasi kemahasiswaan. Sedang ingin bersosialisasi atau belajar tanpa ikatan seperti itu, merasa nyaman, bebas bertemu banyak orang, punya banyak waktu untuk berkontemplasi, bertemu keluarga, mengunjungi teman dan kerabat, pergi ke tempat baru, membaca yang banyak, menulis yang banyak, mengerjakan tugas tepat waktu, atau cari uang tambahan yang banyak.

Rabb, jangan jauh-jauh. Bimbing aku, agar tidak diperdaya oleh egoku sendiri. Dan tidak melulu merasa sepi, atau diabaikan.

.
.
.

Catatan kaki: Selamat ulang tahun negaraku! Bantu kami mencintai dan menjagamu selalu. Dan, terima kasih yang tak terhingga karena sudah menyekolahkan aku lagi :')

August 16, 2013

Two Weeks of Gratitude

I am very grateful because I get two weeks holiday from my study assignment. The main reason why I'd like to go home is just to meet three most important people in my life: dad, mom, and brother. The rests are only bonuses. That's why I love staying at home everyday, loving doing nothing here.



with Senior High School friends :)

I'm just too afraid that I don't have a lot of opportunities to see them again. So it motivates me to enjoy every moment. I have chance to sleep and bake cookies together with my mom, to have good chitchat with dad and brother - he is in senior high school now and he's just having his 15th birthday. He was so happy with our little surprise :)


We made tomato rice with curry and pineapple to celebrate Eid as one of mid-east recipes. It was so delicious. I hope I can be a good chef for my future family like what my mother does :(

Happy Eid Mubarak. Please, forgive my mistakes and may Allah bless us. Let Ramadhan's soul trace our path everyday :)




Anyway, the day of going back to Bintaro is getting closer. The more I stay here, the more I'm not ready to leave my family :(


But someone is already missing me so much right there. See you again very soon, my dear. And again, welcome back routine, welcome back assignments. I promise myself to be better and to be more motivated in facing them :)

July 30, 2013

Procrastination

In my opinion, procrastination is a nature of human being. Everyone has tendency to get something for free though there will be no "free-lunch" in this world. People love enjoyment and the habit of delaying is such an addiction. We're going to feel satisfy after breaking the limit because having enourmous impulse and a bunch of ideas to accomplish things in last minutes, right? People also like to blame other when they failed and when they compared life to others. Life is a choice, right? Man jadda wajada :)

I am used to maintaining this procrastination thingy sometimes :( I often lack focus, lose mood, get sleepy, watch Running Man or Big Bang Theory, check timeline, wander around, or clean my room (okay, weird, I have some OCD in cleaning) when I need to accomplish something. And the result, I have to stay awake all night to push myself before deadline comes. So baaad. Too many reasons, too many regrets.

Then I find this hadith. Two things most people be fooled in, health and leisure time". (Bukhari, Imam Ahmad and Imam Turmudzi).

Oh Rabb. Yeah, sometimes we ignore our health. And procrastination makes us forget to fulfill the leisure time with something nice and productive.

I am not smart, that's why I have to be more diligent :'(

I hope I don't let my age meaningless and waste my time with something that I will regret because I am too late to do it in my past.

July 28, 2013

I Would Call It A Superb Week

Ramadhan means hospitality and tightening bonding between family and friends - one of the ways is by having break-fasting together! On Monday, I tried Bebek Kaleyo Bintaro with ai, my lovely dormmate. Aaah finally we had seat and I could taste the hot cayenne sauce menu. On Tuesday evening -after the long lectures- I went to Cempaka Putih to attend my aunt's invitation. It was my first time after moving to Bintaro that I stepped to Jakarta again, LOL. I missed the atmosphere! The traffic was horrible. It was also my first time awkwardly trying commuter line from Pondok Ranji to Tanah Abang with new e-ticketting system then I continued to her house by bus. Unfortunately, I didn't get any bus to come back. I waited until an hour and there were many bad guys that I really wanted to slap! My dormmate and her friend called, and they forced me to let them drive me home. Alhamdulillah, they saved me. They really cared. I was very grateful that behind all of my anxieties, there were people that had willingness to help :')

I gathered with my SEC exco ministers on Wednesday. We ate in Pelangi Makassar Bintaro. It was my first time to get there but I was not the only one who get shocked after receiving the plate, the portion was extremely big! I had to separate it to two portions and take out the half portion to dorm *cry* And here it was - on Thursday - I wished It would have not happened. I didn't have any appetite. I thought it was our first time to have serious long arguments like that. It was my fault because I tend to compare us with other. I just wanted to get more attention, honestly :( He kept quiet all day and it made me so broken. I cried and I couldn't sleep. But what really happened, he just gave me space to think. So here we are, we make it work out again with better understandings and adjustments. Every couple has their own curve of how to make things fine, right? I feel so grateful :') In this case, little fight sometimes works for your relationship to let you express what you feel and how you figure out of it. Love is in the air, better than before ;) Oh baby, I think I wanna marry you...... :D *sing*

Just because someone doesn't love you as the way you want them to, 
doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have - Twitvotiare. 

I stayed on my aunt's house in Depok on weekend. I accompanied him to check his test room which would be held on Sunday.  It was also his first time to go by commuter line, so I was functioned as the tour guide. But I felt safe ;) My aunt and my uncle treated me to have break-fasting outside. I was so starving that day and waiting for five-minutes-more adzan felt like the longest minutes ever, LOL. It was in ITC Depok and it was soooo crowded. People went shopping and I felt bad about them who didn't do fasting to hunt some big sale :'( People were changed by overconsumption and possession just to impress others...

After accomplishing entrance test in UI Depok, he came to my aunt's house without telling me before and picked me up. Ah sweet, thank you! Things that make me like him the most is how he always guides me to pray in early time,  to be kind, and not to be vulnerable. May Allah bless you and ease your way to pass things that you want to reach :')

Anyway, going home is just a couple days to go, yeah! Strengthen your worship in these last 10 days of Ramadhan and make yourself get closer to Allah :)

(Bintaro-Jakarta-Depok, July 22-28)

Disclaimer: This post is so expressive, as always, right? Because I think, the only place in any kind of social media that makes me feel secure to do some PDA for fun and share my own feelings is here, my blog :) LOL

July 23, 2013

Self Note: Don't Screw Up

You are in a real danger when your doubt is greater than your competence and your trust to yourself.

How dare you are!

You wonder to yourself - why you don't learn much from your past experiences that can make you escape from terrible disappointment because of letting the coming opportunities go away. You wonder to yourself - why sometimes it's very difficult to raise hand and speak those hidden ideas confidently. You wonder to yourself - why your nerves don't have full commitment with your brain everytime you need it.

Shy? Why?

Sometimes being an introvert sucks. Sometimes, this simple thing like... gathering with people that make you feel uncomfortable can be... a very big challenge.

Can you promise not to be coward inside and show your bright side everyday? To give appreciation to yourself and gratitude to God?

Do not screw up. You can do it.

You've been these far. Brain, heart - stop talking about fear or what people would say about you. You've been going through more difficult than this, right? And you survived.

July 20, 2013

Patahan #77

"Sekali dalam hidup orang mesti menentukan sikap. Kalau tidak, dia takkan menjadi apa-apa" -  Nyai Ontosoroh kepada Mingke dalam roman Bumi Manusia (Pramoedya Ananta Toer).

 -

It's very true! Kalau memang tidak mau ya bilang tidak, jangan ikut-ikutan orang lain. Bisa kan, icha? :)

July 18, 2013

New Family ❤

So, here is my family for this semester!











:)

July 17, 2013

Belajar Investasi

Investasi adalah pengorbanan yang dilakukan di masa sekarang untuk menikmati manfaat di masa depan. Jadi ceritanya lagi getol-getolnya buat nabung dan baca-baca info tentang investasi. Penghasilan sebagai mahasiswa tugas belajar (yang harus pinter dihemat) dan status single (belum menikah) semakin memotivasi pembelajaran ini. Life is the everlasting learning process, right?

Kalau nggak mulai investasi dari sekarang sayang banget. Soalnya, di usia 20-an atau saat lagi penuh histeria baru dapat penghasilan sendiri biasanya cenderung bikin kita pingiiin terus-terusan memanjakan diri alias menikmati keringat sendiri - pingin beli ini itu dan pada akhirnya peningkatan pendapatan berbanding lurus dengan peningkatan konsumsi dan gaya hidup. Boleh banget dan harus banget yang namanya menikmati hidup, tapi yang harus diingat, hidup bukan untuk hari ini tapi juga di masa depan, ya kan? :)

Pengelolaan keuangan juga penting banget buat perempuan - yang notabene hobi belanja. Jangan karena menganggap diri 'perempuan', nggak peduli sama keuangan pribadi. Harus dong punya jaminan masa depan sendiri, punya investasi sendiri, selain bisa menambah 'nilai diri sebagai perempuan', bisa bantu keluarga, juga menyelamatkan diri sendiri saat lagi ada kebutuhan mendadak, at least you can save yourself and you don't need to borrow from others.

Jadi, apa pengelolaan keuangan sederhana yang lagi berusaha diterapkan saat ini:

1. Investasi yang paling menjanjikan itu cuma dua: investasi akhirat (zakat, sedekah, infak) dan investasi buat diri sendiri (pendidikan, kesehatan. Seperti kata Steve Jobs, "Jangan takut untuk berinvestasi pada diri Anda".

2. Hati-hati dalam pemakaian kartu kredit. Sebaiknya kartu kredit hanya digunakan kalau memang urgent banget atau memang sudah ada cash yang bisa menutupi sebelum tanggal jatuh tempo. Pembayaran minimum tiap bulan hanya akan melipatgandakan bunga dan menurunkan kredibilitas kalau nanti kita butuh pinjaman di bank :(

3. Selalu nabung di awal! Penggunaan Tabungan Rencana bermanfaat banget buat 'memaksa' nabung di awal karena akan otomatis terdebet dari rekening sumber ke rekening tabungan. Namun, kalau cuma nabung sebenarnya sayang - karena return tabungan nggak bisa menutupi biaya inflasi yang kenaikannya gedeee banget itu. Jadi nggak ada salahnya buat coba-coba beralih investasi di reksa dana - selain gampang (bisa autodebet), risikonya rendah, returnnya juga lebih menjanjikan. Kalau investasi emas aduh rasanya beraaat, dan saham risikonya tinggi, jadi yang safe-safe aja haha. Kembali lagi, semuanya tergantung dari tujuan investasi: jangka pendek atau jangka panjang? Buat nikah, buat sekolah, buat beli rumah, atau buat pendidikan anak?

4. Sisihkan dana cadangan, terutama buat perempuan - pentiiing banget untuk punya dana cadangan pribadi yang bisa dipakai kalau dibutuhkan sewaktu-waktu.

5. Investasi doa dari orang tua. Luar biasa ini buat melipatgandakan berkah :)

Postingan kali ini keliatan sok bijak deh haha. Soalnya dengan menulis bisa sekalian berkontemplasi dan komitmen buat saya belajar juga. Tapi, sekali lagi semua orang punya preferensi masing-masing dalam hidupnya. Kalau nggak dimulai dari sekarang, kapan lagi? You are the only one who's rensponsible to your future. Asik :D

July 15, 2013

Long Live Edelweiss! ❤

Wow, this blog has accompanied me for 4 years. It's been my life journal that helps me grow up. There are a lot of stories and memories - started when I was in second year in STAN, I graduated, I worked, then I came back to study here again. Or, since I was single until I met someone and enjoyed it day by day.

Every experience, bad day, hate, anger, questioning people, or simple happiness can be reflection that makes me grateful and teaches me to make better decision in my life. I do hope my blog will continue to bloom - maybe until I get married, I have children, I raise them happily, I go to London, and so on (I dream to be a cute wife and cool mom, actually. LOL). Who knows? :p

I really hope what I've shared can be useful for the readers too (Though I love to write random and weird things errrr). It's gonna be awesome when we can cherish every moment ❤

So, happy birthday edelweiss!


Note: Anyway, I miss my real edelweiss. I left it in my cubicle...

July 14, 2013

Self Note: What I've Just Learned :)

It feels like I've never followed any serious short story competition again after the one which held by KaWanku magazine 6 years ago or E-Love Story event about 2 years ago. Honestly, I'm not confident because starting to write again in real paper and structured plot is quite difficult for me. Exception for writing blog and flash-fiction, they are my freedom :')

So, I tried. I sent my story two days before deadline. I admitted that it was not the 'fiction story' because some parts of the story of father and daughter's bonding were real. Unexpectedly, my classmate challenged me to follow collaboration category just a couple hours before deadline. I was nervous because my writing was under average . But he supported and helped me a lot, he also combined the ideas. We just finished discussing the title "Adzan Terakhir di Muka Bumi" about twenty minutes before it ended. Phew.

And we got it. We were chosen as 17 best collaboration stories. In my opinion, he was the one who deserved most for this winning. Thanks for my friend :')


Anyone who wants to read the book may order here :)

Though my own story failed to be chosen as 200 favorite stories, but I did learn a lot. I realize that my writings are bad, need a lot of improvement to make it qualified, to help me satisfied, and to kick my boredom away.

I am really grateful for this experience

July 9, 2013

July :)

Midtest is over, here comes holy month :)

Alhamdulillah, Ramadhan ke-7 di rantau. Masih dikasih Allah kesehatan, kesempatan, dan kelapangan untuk menikmati puasa dan berkah di dalamnya. Sekian tahun berlalu jauh dari rumah, atmosfernya tetap saja sama - kangen! Tapi, ibu kos di sini baiiiik banget, tiap hari bakal diajak sahur bareng huhu (mental anak kos). Semoga kali ini puasanya lebih baik dan ibadahnya lebih konsisten, juga... dijauhkan dari melankoli dan kesedihan yang tak perlu.

Ini juga pengalaman ujian pertama jadi mahasiswa DIV. Rasanya? Nervous. Tapi, ini adalah cara untuk mau menghargai diri sendiri, berusaha semaksimal mungkin dan jangan bermalas-malasan sebelum waktunya. It feels nice when you can challenge yourself. Saat ini teman-teman banyak yang kembali untuk menikmati puasa pertama di rumah. Ah, sepi. Saya dikasih banyak pinjaman koleksi buku dan film buat doping, hehe. Setelah dibius oleh Mingke, Nyai Ontosoroh dan Annelies (aaaah nangiiiiis) di novel pertama Manusia Bumi tetralogi Buru karya Pramoedya Ananta Toer, sekarang waktunya menikmati novel kedua dan ketiga. Ah, semoga sanggup menyerap isi buku-buku itu. Berat :')

Sejak di Bintaro juga rasanya males kemana-mana. Mungkin karena sekarang lebih ribet, daaan males, menikmati 'me time' ya sudah seperti ini saja nonton Running Man atau membaca haha lebih hemat jadinya. Dulu waktu masih ngantor kayaknya bisa langsung lompat kesana kemari tiap weekend atau nyerempet ke Atrium pulang kerja. Hihi, jadi inget kantor, ayam bakar Japang, dan orang-orang baik di dalamnya. Memories!

Apapun itu, jangan pernah merasa sendiri, Allah sebaik-baik penolong :) *self note*

Happy Ramadhan!

June 23, 2013

Paradox

When you grow up, you meet a lot of people - but the circle of your good friends is getting smaller. I think I'm just in the critical moment to trust any kind of everlasting friendship - like, having best friend forever - kinda old days. The truth is - friends may come and go. People who destined to be in the same place, same situation will be best friend for that certain time, and so on. And I can't agree more with it.

...exception for you, my mom and dad.

So here I am, I just walked alone at night to my dorm - and I found the indescribable feeling when I walked that alone. I gazed to the supermoon which stayed so bright tonight, and I passed the street lamp that reflected my shadow higher than the building across. It was creepy but interesting at once. Blame my introverted side, sometimes my overloaded imagination and my right brain work than it should be. But I am grateful, because an adult may lose that sense defeated by this cruel real life.

"I want to call you soon"

Then I read my assignment, ate a slice of watermelon, and wrote this post.

June 22, 2013

It Gave Me A Smile :)

After doing jogging in Saturday morning, we ate breakfast that I made and went straight to hypermarket to buy some stuff that I needed. I got to buy some fruit while he said, "Wow, Pontianak orange is very expensive these days"

"So is Medan orange. Mom says the price there is also being increased"

"Look, both of them are placed adjoining"

"Yes?"

"The oranges are same like us, right?"

I stared at him like I couldn't agree more. It gave me a smile.



Disclaimer: when you are in relationship, everything seems coincidentally related to you, right? LOL :)

June 20, 2013

Tujuh Sentimeter

Dua gelas kopi yang setengah penuh. Dan, tujuh sentimeter.

Aku menyeruput kopi yang tak pernah habis.

Petang itu, kau sibuk dengan berbagai perangkat istimewa di meja dan tanganmu. Aku pikir setelah penerbangan panjang itu, bersama dengan degup jantung yang meletup menunggu kepulanganmu - kita akan berbincang dan bermanja; seperti burung gereja yang bersahut-sahutan di jendela ruang tamu atau sepasang semut yang diam-diam merebut remah roti dari jemariku.

Tujuh sentimeter, dua manusia duduk berdampingan seperti mati, dan beberapa menit yang terasa abadi - aku terlempar pada titik terjauhmu. Kita semua tahu bahwa jarak seringkali berkhianat pada sesuatu yang dekat, kita pun terjerat.

Sesuatu yang kau pesankan untukku di petang itu. Sayang sekali, sepertinya kau lupa. Bahwa aku tak pernah suka kopi.

Dan sampai gelasmu kosong untuk yang kedua kalinya, gelas kopiku masih setengah penuh.

Patahan #76

Mungkin ini perasaan setiap perempuan yang merindukan Tuhannya. Saat kau dibebaskan dari kewajiban untuk bersujud dan berpuasa, lalu kau boleh kembali lagi kepadaNya secara nyata.

***

Ya Rabb, aku rindu sekali. Tolong rengkuh aku, akhir-akhir ini aku sering sekali merasa tak mampu, buruk, dan sendiri.

 "Dan hanya kepada Tuhanmulah hendaknya kamu berharap" [QS.94:8] 

Life still feels good. It will always be :)

I think the simplest thing that I can do as a human being to make me human is being grateful. Life - with this up and down stage - still feels good. Though losing trust to your bestfriend makes you difficult to trust somebody else, or broken promises happen - life still feels good.

So, what the progress this far? We have just accomplished our pilot project to educate people about eradication of corruption. I have great team, great friends, a lot of helping hands. We take fifth grade elementary students in SD Negeri 04 Jurang Mangu Timur as our object. We design this education as fun learning by playing games, building team work, watching movie, singing a song, and presenting stories and values which are close with their environment and their simple understanding. It feels great when we can handle this event and so happy to see them being smart and cooperative. I think I have talent in teaching kids ^^ I miss teaching, actually.

Pilot Project :D

Learning makes me feel young. I rejoin conversation club. And, I start to read a lot again. I barely miss the moments when I can hold books with my fingers, it's real - and I feel complete... and the athmosphere which comes after reading them - sadness, fear, thankful, it will always be wonderful. There are three or four books in my list to read before mid test which is only about 10 days later... Bumi Manusia and Pasar Malam by Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Antologi Rasa by Ika Natassa, and P.S. I Love You. Thank you for friends who pleased to lend me them :)

And again, I think the simplest thing that I can do as a human being to make me human is being grateful. Life still feels good. It will always be.

June 11, 2013

Tentang Rintik yang Menguap di Sebuah Juni

Seperti biasa, pria itu selalu tergesa-gesa mengantarkanku menuju keberangkatan agar tidak terlambat. Dia sudah tak punya waktu untuk mengurus dirinya sendiri, bergegas mengambil topi dan jaket, tanpa mengganti kemeja kotak-kotak dan celana pendek selutut yang dikenakannya sejak tadi siang. Dengan sepeda motor tuanya, dia berpacu mengejar petang yang baru saja berpulang.

Seperti biasa, pria itu mengucap doa dan kata-kata perpisahan. Mencoba untuk terlihat tegar walau aku bisa melihat ada embun mengumpul di bola matanya. Berjalan beriringan, dia berdiri sampai batas pengantar. Dan tetap berdiri di situ walau tak ada lagi yang perlu dilihat. Dia tetap berdiri di situ. Dia tetap berdiri di situ.

Seharusnya hujan bulan Juni tak perlu sederas malam itu. Sebagian besar pesawat harus menunggu agar selamat. Bahkan sang rintik masih tak puas, pria itu kehujanan - dan satu dua tetes mendarat di pipi. Lalu menguap dalam hitungan menit. Aku tak pernah menyangka, bahwa kedewasaan tak membuatku pandai mengendalikan kesedihan. Terlebih yang dibuahi perpisahan.

Dan tentang wanita di belakangnya, aku tak pernah punya cukup kata untuk bercerita, selain... Tuhan, wanita itu melakukan pekerjaan yang paling mulia di dunia. Masih terasa betapa hangatnya dia memelukku sepanjang tidur.

mom :)

Seperti biasa, doa adalah jalan - saat tak ada lagi cara untuk mengobati rindu. Satu dua tetes mendarat di pipi. Lalu menguap dalam hitungan menit.

.
.
.

*a tribute for mom and dad. I love you for whole of my life.